Pocket-Dial

Hey everyone!

I have been having a very stressful week. Trying to get everything ready for my Study Abroad trip brings out the worst in everyone--especially me. If you didn't know, let me fill you in on my trip to far, and maybe you will see why I am so stressed.

For the entire month of June and part of July, I will be Studying Abroad in the Middle East. (Do you see where some of the stress is beginning?) We will be departing from St. Louis and flying into Cairo (making a few stops along the way). We spend about a week in Egypt, then head over to Jordan for another week. After that, we pop over to Israel where we will be working on a Biblical dig site for two weeks, learning all the in's and out's of Biblical Archeology. The last week we spend in Jerusalem and Bethlehem, seeing all the famous Jesus-sites.

Some of the famous sites we will see include the Great Pyramids, the Sphinx, the Karnak Temples, The Valley of the Kings and Queens, Mt. Sinai, St. Catherine's Monastery, Petra, Masada, Amman, Bethsaida, Church of the Holy Sepulchre, Gethsemane, the Wailing Wall, Caesarea Maritima, Bethlehem, and many more.

Sounds exciting, right? That's what I first thought. I was THRILLED out the whazoo! I was ready to go and experience so much! As it turns out, other people didn't share my excitement.

Some of the people that were closest to me started to doubt the trip. First, it was a money issue. After I told them I was paying for it, then it became a safety/moral issue. Some people that I am very close to think the Middle East is a festering pot of evil: the whole area is condemned by God and that is why there is so much bloodshed and warfare in the region. (Mind you, I didn't know many of these people held these views until I told them I was going over there. I want you to imagine my sinking face as I ran up to them and told them, "I'm going to the Middle East on a school trip!" only to watch their face cringe and brows furl as they unleash on me the reasons why I should not go.) Some people were legitimately concerned for my safety because of the recent political unrest. While these kind people feared for me, they were still excited with me as I was preparing for the trip.

However, the people that I seem to hear the loudest (and the people who were seemingly closest to my heart) were the ones who vehemently opposed my trip overseas. I can't count the number of times I have heard the phrase (or a similar phrase to it), "You couldn't pay me a million dollars to go over there!" Over the past month, I have had to present defense after defense as to why I am going over there to no avail. It always boiled down to, "Well, do whatever you want, Adam, but I will never go over there!" (Which has the hint of an afterthought: "And you shouldn't go over there either!")

*SIGH* This has been the cause of my stress the past week, preparing for a 5 week long trip while trying to fend off the Right-Thinkers. Can you see why I have been a bit testy and jumpy, and overall in a very weird mood?

This is also why it was so refreshing today to wake up to find a voicemail on my phone. The message was left by a  young man I rarely ever speak to, so I naturally assumed it was a pocket-dial (considering my name is the top, if not very close to the top, of everyone's address book). This young man has left many pocket-dials before, and most of them are pretty boring: just background noise and a lot of scratching.

I actually do enjoy listening to pocket-dials. It is like a game to me; I try to figure out who dialed me based off of the voice and background noise before I look at the caller ID. (This time, I cheated and looked first.) Some of the dials are very entertaining. I got to listen to someone talk to the cashier at Walfart for a few minutes about their hair. I listened to some other boys playing Xbox one time. Other times I get to catch up on juicy gossip that I quickly forget once I hang up (because I really hate gossip).

This time was different. As I pressed the phone to my ear, I hear the faint sound of someone's voice. For the first five or six seconds, I strained to hear what they were saying, but then all of the sudden, their voice became very clear as I could hear the phone being dug out of the pocket and set on the table (or chair, or whatever was present). In an instant, I could hear the conversation very clearly.

The person was praying. Not just, "God is good, God is great, let us thank Him for this plate. Let's eat!" These people were in true spiritual warfare prayer. I had no idea who or what they were praying about, but the person praying was praying with deep conviction, quoting the Word of God and praying over this other person with the authority of Christ.

I sat there in that moment, suddenly totally awake as I "eave's dropped" on a prayer from across the country. The reality became so real to me: people around this world are praying right now, and not just simple prayers, but the prayers of warriors. Not only that, but there were a few of them out there that were praying like this for me. The thought sent shivers down my spine as I sat there.

As the last, "Amen!" rang out on the phone, the voices became more distant as the people left the table (or chair or whatever the phone was on) and headed towards more voices in the background. I listened for another 30 seconds to see if I could hear any more, but the phone was silent with the slight murmurs of voices in the background, indistinguishable to my ears.

I lowered the phone slowly from my ear as I hear Lola (my pet name for the affectionate AT&T lady who asks me if I want to save or delete my voicemails) asking me to press seven or nine. Of course I wanted to save it! I was so rushed (and still slightly asleep) that I quickly pressed seven and hung up. (EPIC FAIL!) It took me a few moments after I hung up to realize that I just deleted the message. Dang....

Yet the point still remains. People are praying for you out there who you may never even know. Someone cares about you enough to take time out of their day and pray for you. Even if it seems like the whole world is against you, you always have someone on your side who has your back. Never forget that. God reminded me of this fact today. I hope He blesses you with it as well.

Following His Call,
Adam

(Proverbs 18:24)

Paradox

Hey everyone!

I have been in a really weird mood these past few days. I really don't know what to think of it, and I don't know how it started or how to stop it. It hasn't been one particular emotion that has come through, but several, like my emotions are on hyper alert. I would be really happy, then really sad, then really angry, all within an hour's time. Great... now I'm starting to sound like I have some psychological disorder. I promise, I do not.

After the events of the last few days (and when I say "events" that sounds so ominous, and it isn't meant to be, because, honestly, nothing really out of the ordinary has happened; I have just been analyzing them more), I have really started to contemplate my life so far.

Over the past few years, I have had ups and downs, good times and bad, and made huge decisions that have affected my life forever. Some of these decisions are good (like choosing to go to college), others are bad (like betraying the trust of friends I care about most). By natural inclination, I have been dwelling a lot more on the bad.

My life is an unending paradox: good and bad dwelling together and dueling over who is to win. Most of the time, both live together and will act out decisions as equal forces, producing a result that I don't know how to deal with (and many others do not either). For example, while I may love someone with all my heart (the good living in me), how I act out that love is totally wrong (the evil living in me). I may say things I didn't mean or do things that I believe are innocent until someone comes back later and tells me how wrong I was. Many times, my innocent actions are taken way out of context and explode back in my face, only to show there was deeper, darker motives behind those good actions I thought were so great.

The paradox is that I live my life with major regrets, but at the same time I don't wish to go back to change them because those actions make me who I am. I do regret every poor choice I make; but when people ask me if I could do my life over again, would I change anything, my answer is still, "No."

It's not because I don't regret my mistakes I have made, because sometimes at night (still today) I cry myself to sleep reliving those experiences in my mind as they torture me into unconsciousness. I grieve over how much I have hurt people, and I wish for the life of me I didn't make any of those mistakes I made. But I can't erase them. They are set in stone, and only time can weather away the deep scars they left.

I have hurt people so bad they will never trust me again. Honestly, I do not expect them to; they have every right to be angry and upset and never want to speak to me again. Other people still hold grudges that go so deep I don't think they will ever get over them. I do not fight these people. They have every right to hate me and wish me dead. I will live with these ghosts for the rest of my days I am alive, eating at me and tearing me apart. Thus is my punishment for the mistakes I made. I dug my grave, now I must lie in it.

Conversely, I do not wish to change any decisions I have made because they are an integral part of me; they define who I am and I don't want to change that. While I have made huge mistakes that will forever alter my life and the lives of others, they taught me a great deal. Do I wish that I could have learned it another way? Absolutely! Sadly, how life is sometimes, you can't learn it any other way. It breaks my heart to say that, but it is true for some people; especially true for me.

I have learned so much from each of these mistakes. Not only have I learned about myself and who I am, I have also learned about how to handle difficult situations in the future. Most importantly, I have learned how other people think and interpret some of the things I do. These life lessons are so important, and I treasure them, holding them so tight that I will never forget them, no matter how hard it hurts to keep them close to me.

I live in a constant state of paradox: living with the decisions I made, thankful they taught me deep lessons, but also living in pain and agony of regret. I live with what philosophers call the Hedgehog's Dilemma: even though the hedgehog wants to get closer to another, but the closer he gets, the more he tends to hurt the other. Thus is my life. *sigh*

My one advice to any younger people reading this: Do not make life-altering mistakes, especially if you don't know you are about to make one (Wait, what?). Learn lessons the easy way. Predict the future and know what decisions are going to alter your life forever so you don't make those mistakes (Huh? How do you do that?). Don't question my logic, just do it. (This is a little sarcasm to help lighten the very dark mood I painted earlier.)

So what about you? Have you ever messed up so bad that you were ridiculed or it changed the way people looked at you? Have you ever made a mistake that ended up hurting other

Blogger

Hey everyone!

I have a confession for you. Well, actually, I have a few confessions for you. But before I get to them, I have to give you some background.

It's obviously been a long time since I have written a blog. I have had several ideas in my head I have wanted to write about, and I have outlined some of them, but I have been too emotional to clearly write out the full posts. I have about six or seven blog ideas I have hashed out in outline form just waiting to be written, but for some reason the past few weeks, I have been over-run by emotions.

In order to get back into the swing of things, I am taking a break from some of my more serious concepts and trying to write some more fun-loving and light-hearted blogs to get me back into it. So here are my confessions:

I am addicted to blogs

I never really realized this was a "problem" until today. After going through my list of blogs I follow and opening up all the links in my browser in separate tabs so I could let them load and flip though them at my leisure, I realized the tabs on the top of my browser were too small to even read what each headline was about. It was at this particular moment that the thought occurred to me: I may be addicted to blogging. Oops. Oh well. Everyone has some addiction, at least mine is not harmful to me. I am actually learning a lot. 

I am not that great of a blogger

Okay, before everyone starts thinking that I am knocking on myself and devaluing my writing ability, hear me out. (I already know some people reading this are going to be like, "Adam! You are a great writer! I love your blog! Don't hate on yourself like that!" Insert Charlie Brown adult: "Wha-wha-wha-wha-wha-wha-wha!") I do understand that people are nice and want to encourage me on this. I REALLY appreciate the encouragement, more than they will ever know. At the same time, since I read so many blogs, I just get overwhelmed by the beauty and eloquence of the other bloggers' writings and think, Wow... I wish I could write like that... So, while I may be a "good writer," as some people say, I'm not as good as other bloggers.

But that is okay! Hear me out here; I am not jealous of them in the slightest! (Alright, maybe just a little bit, but not enough to get angry or change what I am doing with my blog.) I love reading their stuff! I love basking in their awesomeness. It doesn't upset me in the slightest. I just live and learn. I won't try to emulate their writing styles or copy some of their themes, but I do learn more about the formula of writing from their blogs. All I want is to follow my plan as outlined in EDGE-X, my very first blog. I pray it blesses its readers and glorifies God in the process.

I am still have a lot to learn

I had a rather humbling moment to confess to you. I am still rather obsessed with statistics. I know I confessed that statistics weren't everything, but I won't lie, I haven't been writing as much because my blog has been getting a lot of traffic the past two months and I felt I didn't need to write anymore. I used to be all about numbers, but not anymore. I had a rather humbling experience that set me straight.

According to Goggle Analytics on blogger.com, my blog is currently sitting at 5,400 views, with my leading blogpost, Love, sitting at 3,110 views. The page views have been increasing exponentially over the past two months, and at first I was ecstatic! My blog is finally being recognized! People I don't even know from India and Germany are finally reading my blog! I am reaching out to people I have never even met before! 


Then I realized what was happening in a moment of humility. People weren't looking at my blog, they were looking at the pictures on my blog and copying them off of my website for their own use. One look at the Referring URLs told me everything I needed to know. The most clicked link was a Google Image search for the word, "love" and the coffee mug with the cream in the shape of a heart image.

How dis-heart-ening (like the pun?)! It actually wasn't. Okay, I won't lie, it was disheartening at first, but then I got over it. I realized once and for all, it isn't about the statistics, it is about doing what God has for me to do. That is my plan this summer: to grow so much closer to God and share my heart on this blog about what He is teaching me. I hope you want to follow me along on the journey.

Following His Call,
Adam
(1 Corinthians 13:1)

Vent

Hey everyone!

I just need to vent right now. I'm pretty sure God is trying to teach me something. I'm not sure what yet, but I have a feeling it has to do with patience and anger. Much has been happening to me the past few weeks, and I have been getting angry more than I normally do. 

I've been told I am a pretty patient person. Normally. Most people who see me work with kids and say, "Dang Adam, I would've slapped that kid hours ago!" Or, after they hear about me counseling someone I know, say, "Adam, you must be a pretty patient person, because I would've given up on them weeks ago."

I don't know what it is about me. I am not trying to boast or say how awesome I am at being patient because anyone who has experienced divine patience before knows it comes from somewhere else outside of us. In my case, I believe the Holy Spirit gives it to me. Why? I don't know, but I seem to have it often.

Except this week. This week has been weird for me. I am a very deeply emotional person, but normally I can keep my emotions in check. This week is different for some reason. It seems like all my pet peeves are exploding all at once. I can't say it is because I am stressed, because honestly this is the least stressed I've been in over a year during the week before finals. I can't attribute it to anyone else around me because there is no one person who is making my life a living hell. In fact, most of my friends and family have been really supportive and happy.

Why am I getting angry? I have snapped at my girlfriend a few times when she is stressed because it annoyed me. I yelled at and threatened one of my best friends because he pushed one of my buttons totally by accident. I get furious at dumb people on Facebook who leave dumb comments at the inappropriate times on my Facebook status or page. Most of them are snide remarks meant to be humorous or directed comments meant to be helpful. However, I read them the wrong way or read into them more than I should have, making me angry. I have snapped at random people (mostly drivers who are stupid on the road. ). I have blown people off. I'm just not being me.

Through this, I discovered I have stages of anger. Everyone puts these words at different places, but here are their connotations to me. Let me outline them for you (so if use one of these words, you know where you fall on the spectrum):

1. Annoyed - ex: Someone writes some sarcastic comment on my serious Facebook status
2. Miffed - ex: Someone tells another one of my friends about what I am doing wrong rather than coming to me about it. 
3. Frustrated - ex: Someone who is just not listening to anyone in a conversation and believes their way is right, even when faced with evidence that points to the contrary. 
4. Mad - ex: Someone starts to mess with one of my friends or someone I care about.
5. Angry - ex: Someone tries to tell me what I am thinking, what I am believing, or what I should do without knowing the situation. 
6. Furious - ex: Someone who repeats the same mistake over and over again and will not learn from it because they are so thick-headed that they think they are never wrong. 
7. Enraged - ex: Someone who is arrogant, prideful, does not believe they are ever wrong, and tries to correct me when I am not doing anything wrong--or refuses to admit they have done something wrong when I confront them about it.  

I thought I would also share with all of you how I have helped deal with this anger and give you some tips and pointers on what to do and not to do:

1. Stop what you are doing. Do not do anything in anger, lest you sin (as the Bible says). Just stop yourself before you do something stupid.  
2. Breathe. Take a DEEP breath (or a few) and try to calm down. I've found thinking about your breath helps you to focus on something else rather than your anger.
3. Think about the situation, after you've calmed down a bit. Try to see their side. Do not immediately respond without having first considered all sides or talked with someone about it.  
4. Pray about it. Talk to God. Yell at Him if you need to. He is a pretty big guy, I'm sure He can take you venting to Him. I've found this helps the most to me, because once I start venting to God, then I start seeing it from His point of view and my point of view starts to change. 
5. Do not respond back to the person who has hurt you with something equally as hurtful. That only makes things worse and hurts them back. It is really easy to respond back to them and hurt them back because they have hurt you. Don't fall for that. It only makes it worse, trust me, I am speaking from experience here.
6. Don't let the sun go down on your anger, as Jesus said. Don't hold a grudge. Once you have calmed down a bit, go talk to them and explain how they hurt you. Don't point fingers and blame them for it. Approach the conversation with grace. 

I still don't know why I am angry. I don't know what is causing it. But knowing my own pet peeves has helped me to catch myself before I get really mad. I've had to remove myself from the room or block out sound to prevent myself from getting angry. Most of the time I focus on another topic in my mind to distract myself. I have no other profound wisdom to share with you, except what I already have. Please pray for me as I am learning this lesson. Thanks. 

Following His Call,

Adam 

(Matthew 5:23-24)

Pray

Hey everyone!

I was just reading Jon Acuff's Stuff Christians Like blog post, "Remix – #53. Saying "I’ll pray for you" and then not.", and what he said on this post really hit me. (If you are unfamiliar with SCL, it is a Christian satirical website designed to exaggerate and poke fun at Christian stuff in churches and culture. I personally love Jon's work and read his blog often.) God had been convicting me about prayer for a while, so I thought I would share with you what God has shared with me.

The first thing Jon said on this blog post was, "Sometimes, saying 'I’ll pray for you' is just the Christian equivalent of ending a date by saying 'I’ll give you a call.'" Owch... After I read that, I couldn't help but think, How true! How often do we actually pray for a person after we say, "I'll pray for you."?




Do you pray actually for someone after you say you will, Adam?

"Pffft! Of course I do! How rude of you to imply that I don't!" 

Really? Do you actually pray, or do you just say, "Oh yeah... uh... God?.... Hey... Can you, uh, be with my friend (insert name).... he/she could really use some help right now... K, thanks," and then go right back to whatever you are doing? Do you actually take time out of our day to pray for those people you said you were going to pray for? Or are you just throwing out a quick breath-prayer that lasts less than a second?

Don't hear me wrong, breath-prayers are uber important. I do them all the time. As long as they are genuine, I'm sure God loves breath-prayers. Breath-prayers remind us to keep close to God moment of every day and to remind us of who is guiding our lives.

Sadly, I think many times we (or maybe it's just me) go through our day only offering up breath-prayers and forgetting to take time to pray. Sometime we may do the opposite and just only go to God with our problems, listing them off as fast as we can so we can get back to work. Those two seems to be the two things I tend to struggle with most when it comes to prayer: (1) making time to pray, and (2) directing my attention to God.

Notice: I said "making time to pray" not "finding time to pray". God has really been hitting me on the head with this idea. I really have to work on this. I think that so many times we get so wrapped up in "doing" that we forget to live. We rush through the day, trying to cram in as much as we can do as fast as we can because that is what society tells us to do. We forget to slow down and take time out of our day to relax and enjoy the little things. Nobody's day is too busy that they "can't find time to pray." I've always believed that you make time for the things you love to do. If you love God, you will make time in your day to talk to him, not just find it. You will give Him focused, intentional time, not just the scraps at the end.

I know this is tough. I know it is hard to try to manage your day when it seems like the entire world is spinning around you so fast that you can't seem to keep anything straight. I want to be involved in so much. I want to do it all. I want everyone to be happy so I don't say "no" to anyone. I hate disappointing people. In the process of "doing", I am pushing God further and further away from me. I am making my own agenda rather than going to Him for His agenda.

All God wants is our directed attention to Him. You would expect the same from one of your friends who wants to talk to you. Jesus said:

And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to 
stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they 
may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. 
But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your 
Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

--- Matthew 6:5-6 (ESV, emphasis added)

I need to start actively praying more, not just for those around me, but also to connect more with Him. He wants to spend time with me. He doesn't want me to just come to Him with a list of needs, rattle them off, and then say, "OkthankyouGod,amen!"

Here's how I see it: 

Scenario 1: After a few years of living in a new neighborhood, you end up becoming best friends with your next door neighbor. You invite them over to dinner, bring them to game nights, and get to know them well in the process. However, over time you notice your neighbor is becoming more and more busy. After a while, you walk by their house on your evening walk, waving and calling their name, and they reply with a distant, "Hey... could you, um... help clean the garden tomorrow..." Confused, you say you will.  You ask why but they are off in their own world, wandering back into the house. After helping with the garden the next day, they ask you, "Can you...uh... pick the kids up from... school....tomorrow...." You ask them if they are okay, but they never reply. They are in their own world once again, not really talking to you about the situation, just asking for help. 

I think sometimes we do this to God...

Scenario 2: Imagine you are going to pick up your friend from their house to drive them to lunch. Your friend gets in the car and closes the door. You ask them how their day is going and they ignore you. Suddenly, they start talking about how their car is broke down and how their spouse is railing on them about fixing it and how the kids aren't doing well in school and how their neighbor is financially struggling and how their grandma is sick and how their cousin is pregnant and how their other friend is moving and how their dog is-- 

Do you get the point? 

Do we come to God like that? Are we, like in the first scenario, just praying for people without really thinking about it? Or are we just listing off prayers like in the second scenario? Jesus doesn't want either of these. He wants us. He wants to sit down with us and talk with Him about our problems and other people's problems. 

Here are some tips for praying God has shown me: 

• Remember to take time out of each day and go to your "prayer closet" and pray. Find a quiet place, grab your Bible, and just talk to Him. Start with a simple time too; you can't be a marathon pray-er overnight. One thing my friend and I are starting to do is to take two solid, dedicated minutes out of our day to spend with God. Seems easy, right? I mean, two minutes does NOT seem like a long time at all! Start there, and increase your prayer time by a minute each weak (or more) until talking to God becomes a regular thing you do. Just remember, those two minutes are in solid prayer, talking with Him about life, not just going through a prayer list.  

• Another piece of advice God told me was when you say you are going to pray for someone, take a few seconds right after you finish talking with that person, stop what you are doing, and just talk to God about that person. Don't wait until that night when you are going to bed or when you wake up the next morning to pray to mention that person to God. Just stop and pray. 

• One final nugget of wisdom is to pick one person you are praying for each day to be your "Prayer Person of the Day". During meals and throughout the day, lift up short, meaningful breath prayers for that person throughout the day. Remind yourself to pray in whatever way helps you the best. It could be through sticky notes, a string on your finger, dry erase message on the bathroom mirror, an alarm on your phone, or some other creative thing, like, "Every time I hear the clock chime I will pray for them". 

That's what God has been speaking to me. I hope you all can hold me accountable to this as well. And remember, I'm praying for you. 

Following His Call, 

Adam

(Matthew 6:5-6)

Community

Hey everyone!

I didn't think I would have much time to write a blog this month because of how busy I would be doing stuff, but it looks like I just can't stay away. It actually works out well tonight since I forgot I had laundry in the dryer, and since I have stuff I need to work on for my Ministry Workshop tomorrow.

I decided to write down what was on my mind. I just got back from a Zombie Night Mission in Humans Vs. Zombies. If you don't know what this game is, in a nutshell, it is a big, 24/7 game of tag for five to six days using Nerf blasters and socks.

Sound confusing? Let me explain: Zombies wear bandannas around their heads and Humans wear bandannas around their arms. If a Zombie touches a Human, the Human becomes a Zombie. Humans can defend themselves with Nerf blasters and socks. If they hit a Zombie, the Zombie is "stunned" and is removed from the game for 15 minutes. Humans try to stay alive as long as they can, Zombies try to tag humans to expand the Horde. If a Zombie doesn't tag a human in 48 hours, the Zombie "starves" and is permanently removed from the game. There are other minor details of game rules, but that is pretty much it. We start with three Original Zombies and the Horde grows from there.

I was just recently turned into a Zombie today (an experience I am not particularly fond of). I was not ready to be turned into a Zombie. Normally, you can see it coming: a massive Horde of 50 Zombies running at you, and only ten of you Humans left. So, you look at each other, say your prayers, tell each other how much you love each other, and go out swinging.

Not this time. I will boldly say this: my Human group really screwed up on today's Day Mission and panicked. To make a long story short, I was stuck on the outside of a large group of Humans while the Horde charged, I stunned five Zombies before one tagged me. It wasn't the tag that upset me, it was how it happened. I had one guy to my right who was supposed to watch my back. He did not. He was totally captivated by the battle happening on the other side of the Human group. A Zombie slipped by him and went for me instead of him. Yea me....

At first I was very angry and bitter. Several of my best friends here on campus--including my girlfriend--joined up to form a Squad (while we couldn't decide on a name, we toyed around with the 101st Zombie Airborn, Blood Stain, Brainskrieg, and the Chunky Dunkers--which made no sense, but was funny). We were supposed to stick to each other like glue and watch each other's backs, but in the midst of that Human chaos, we were separated, and two of us died because of it.

I wanted to blame my squad:


                       Why weren't they there? 
                                                                              Why didn't they have my back?

I wanted to blame my girlfriend:


                                                      I thought she was supposed to always be by my side. 
           Why did she leave me? 

I wanted to blame the random guy who I didn't know and let the Zombie go by.

I wanted to blame the Zombie who bypassed No-Looker and went for me.

But that would be stupid and selfish. It wasn't their fault; it was a bunch of stuff happening at once. I'm not self-loathing enough to say that it was my fault (because really it was not). Crap just happens.

I struggled with this for a while, now being a Zombie. To be honest, I am still bitter and angry, but now I struggle with a new issue: pride. While the anger and bitterness is going away, it is being replaced with male ego:

                                 I am pretty good at this game, why did I die? 


                                                                                               I shouldn't have died this early. 


            So, my girlfriend can run around unnoticed, not get tagged, and escape all capture, but I get tagged because some guy was lolly-gagging? How is this fair?! 


                                                                           How can I face my girlfriend now, being a Zombie now and her being Human? When I see her, all I see is how much better she is than I am.


If you are a guy, you know how I'm feeling right now. We have this male ego that makes us think we can take on the world; and if anything crushes that ego, we don't know what to do. We feel angry, helpless, and bitter even towards those who love us and care about us. We feel wronged and weak when we should be the ones being strong and helping out others.

I have to let go to of that ego. It's not easy. It takes someone much stronger than I am to help me with it....

After I became a Zombie, I joined the Horde that night for a Night Mission. To my surprise, I had more fun as a Zombie than I ever did as a Human. Zombies know how to have fun. They were cracking jokes, being idiots, running around with their shirts off (the guys, NOT the girls!), and doing really silly things. I loved it! I felt like I was a part of a larger community (not quite a family, because that would be too weird). I felt like I was important and part of something greater than myself.

Strangely enough, I found what the Humans were missing in the middle of the Zombie Horde: Community. The Humans were so busy trying to stay alive and look out for Number One that they totally missed what it means to work as a team and just have fun. Sure, the Humans can have fun too, but I wouldn't have died today if the Humans communicated and looked out for each other like the Zombies do.

In the Human groups there were too many Chiefs and not enough Indians. People were yelling at each other, snapping at each other, being very angry and aggressive. The Zombies were so chill and fun, laughing at each other, sharing stories, telling jokes, and then working together for a massive charge on the Humans. When one person talked, everyone shut up and listened. When we ran together, we communicated and had each other's back. It was amazing!

Then it made me think: Is the Church like a Zombie Horde? Do people feel welcome when they enter into the Body of Christ? Do people feel welcome at your own church? When they come in, do people stare at them because they are different? Or do they talk to them, get to know them, and then take them out to lunch?

The Zombie Horde cheered and applauded new Zombies who were just tagged, and they didn't even know them. Many of the people I didn't even know, but I cheered anyway. Are we cheering on the new members of our faith? Are we reaching out to those who need healing, offering an antidote to the poison they carry around in them?

Sometimes, I think the Church should be more like a Zombie Horde.

Following His Call,
Adam

(Acts 2:44)

Everyday

Hey everyone!

As I sit here eating my deformed pizza and drinking a very gritty shake (that the kind food service employee messed up because he didn't speak any English), I start thinking back about today. Today isn't over yet, and I must say it has been one of the worst days I have had in a long time. 

When I first sat down here to compose this blog, I thought about making you all feel bad for me and listing out all the things that went wrong today, but that would be stupid and selfish, so I won't bore you with the details. Just know the basics: I insulted one of my best friends and he is still mad at me, my computer crashed, and I received a failed test back in my Greek class. Yeah me...

Today, I just wanted to be left alone. I was upset, stressed, angry, disappointed, depressed, emotional--pretty much every negative emotion hit me at some point today. I just wanted to give up and sit in my room and vege-out in front of my videogames. But I couldn't do that. I still had work to do. Just because I felt like crap didn't mean I could ignore my responsibility (as much as I really wanted to). 

I decided to go to the Student Rec Center in the afternoon to run off my negativity. And boy did it help! There is something about exercising that just frees your mind and forces your to think of something else. 

But it wasn't the run that really made me feel better, it was the song I was listening to on my smartphone that caught my attention. Here it is:

Everyday

 

What to say Lord? it's You who gave me life and I

Can't explain just how much You mean to me now

That You have saved me Lord, I give all that I am to You

That everyday I can be a light that shines Your name

Everyday Lord, I'll learn to stand upon Your Word

And I pray that I, that I might come to know You more

That You would guide me in every single step I take

That everyday I can be a light unto the world

Everyday, it's You I live for

Everyday, I'll follow after You

Everyday, I'll walk with You my Lord

It's You I live for, everyday

It's You I live for, everyday

It's You I live for, everyday

What a powerful song! This is easily one of my favorite worship songs.God gave it to me during the middle of my run as both a humbling surprise and a wonderful encouragement to me. I never really realized how powerful the lyrics were until I really listened to them during that run.

Every bit of that first verse hit me hard. What is there to say? I can't really complain about anything, I still have my life, my health, a place to live, food to eat, wonderful friends and family. Who am I to complain? I really can't explain just how much it means to me right now! Beyond that, He saved me! I was screwing everything up and He saved me! Therefore, I'm giving all I am to Him so I can be the light that shines His name. What glorious hope in this dark time in my life.

But then conviction hit: am I really shining His light or has my bitterness at life situations started to tamper my beacon of Jesus? Could people still see Christ in me, even though everything around me was falling apart?

Before I could really think too much more, a second wave of hope/conviction hit me: "Everyday, Lord, I'll learn to stand upon Your Words. And I pray that I, that I might come to know You more. That You would guide me in every single step I take. And everyday I will be a light unto the world. Everyday, its You I live for! Everyday, I follow after You! Everyday, I walk with You my Lord!"

Wow... Every day?! I started to ask God: even when I feel like crap and don't want to do it? I mean, that's asking a lot, man!  I can't be happy every day! How am I supposed to be a Christian every day!?


Then He told me: "It never says anywhere that you will be happy all the time. But I promise you: I will give you joy. I will bring you peace beyond anything you can ever understand. I will be there with you. Remember, I am walking with you, Adam. Every day."

Double wow.... how awesome is God that He is with us every day! Walking with us... everyday... Am I really living for Him? Am I standing on His Words every day? Am I following after Him? Every day?

This is what it means to be a Christian: to follow after Christ every day, no matter how we are feeling. Satan doesn't take any breaks, so neither should we. People should still be able to see Jesus in us though the sorrow and pain. Jesus was the ultimate knower of pain and sorrow, He did take all of our sins to a cross and watched His own Father turn His back on Him... That had to be the worst thing ever....

Even though my day was crap, I am still living for Christ. I will still shine His light to the world and I will still walk with Him, despite how I feel. Everyday.

Will you?

Following His Call,
Adam
(Psalm 145:2)