Hey everyone (who cares)!
Oh my! Where do I begin? I have so much to blog about, but I guess I'll just start with where my heart is right now. I thought about blogging about all my opinions on certain topics and pet-peeves of mine--ya know, things that really don't matter in the long run (which I still will be blogging about somewhere down the line), but then I thought, Adam, all this tension you are feeling is because of your own heart. YOU are the one who needs to change, not the world around you.
This weekend has been a large eye-opener for me. I have been so abundantly blessed. God has given me amazing friends, wonderful parents, unique gifts, and material blessings beyond measure. Selfish little me takes them like some greedy, glutenous kid who is addicted to chocolate and runs off and devours it in the corner of the room, smearing chocolate everywhere and doesn't even bother saying thank you; I just run back with my sticky hands extended wanting more and more, eyes wide with ravenous hunger.
That image has made me sick. I mean, I have worked with many different kids, so I know what those kids are like. I still love them, but they are consumed by their addiction. This is what God has been showing me: I am that kid addicted to the blessings of God and not God Himself and He is that loving adult wanting to help me overcome it. The revelation hasn't been one large epiphany moment like how He has shown himself to me in the past, but little things this weekend have opened my eyes how ungrateful and selfish I really am.
Honestly, it all stared this past week. I failed two test. I mean FAILED, not just didn't do well, I mean, I got a 49% on one and a 36% on the other. After those humbling experiences, little things have been happening to show how really messed up I am or how I really don't have as much control as I thought I did: I would lock my keys in my room (which I have done only twice in 3 years), my computer would crash in the middle of important business, files would get mysteriously destroyed, friends would start getting mad at me and pointing out my flaws, and the little things would go on and on and on. Satan and his demons would bring up old memories of failure in the past, and point out my own personal character flaws on a daily basis.
It all climaxed when I caused one of my own brothers in Christ--someone who I love more than myself--to sin. I totally rejected God and broke his warning in Matthew 18:6, Mark 9:42, AND Luke 17:2; all which tell me it would be better for me to place a millstone around my neck and jump into the sea than cause a little one to sin. To me, all of God's children are his little children, so if we cause one to sin, even if they are an adult, then we are guilty of the same (now that is not what Jesus is saying there; He was referring specifically to children, but in my heart, I feel the same weight).
Heartbroken, I had nowhere to look but to God. For so long I have tried to do it on my own, and many times still try to do it on my own, but there comes a point where you just can't do it anymore. You just give up. If you have a hyper-independent personality like me, than you understand how hard it is to give up that control. Sometimes you have to have it beat out of you. I looked up to God, and there He was, shaking His head, but still smiling, holding the keys in his hand, waiting for me to ask. He reached down and unlocked the chains around my neck and extended his hand, pulling me from the depths of the sea of sin and into his arms.
Now, its time to shuv. Shuv (שוב) in Hebrew means "repent". I don't think in America we truly understand what this means: it means a complete turn around, going one direction and literally turning around and heading in another direction--180 degrees from where you were. You are turning your back on what you were doing and are now heading down the path you were supposed to head down. Here is where I am at. For years I have been taking various "detours" in God's path, and they have been leading me down to places that harm me and others. I've had enough of that.
That's why I decided to let you all know where I am at. Hoping you will hold me accountable. Like I said, I had a bunch on my mind about pet-peeves of mine or certain opinions I had, but as I learned from the sermon this morning, when things aren't going right, arguing and debating about it won't fix anything. The only way to fix it is to improve your relation with God, and let Him take care of it. All our strength and power comes from Him anyway, so we might as well just give it to Him to begin with. Jesus prescribed this in Mark 9:14-29 (also in Matthew 17 and Luke 9). The disciples started arguing with the teachers about why the boy wasn't being healed, but Jesus stepped in and fixed it.
It's time to fix this. It's nothing I can do, it's all God working in me. I just got to give up control. Stop walking away and start walking back. שוב.
Following His Call,