Dying

DISCLAIMER: EMOTIONAL POST
(meaning that I am writing this while very emotional and I am not sure what will come out)

Hey everyone!

So, I am sitting here on my bed, on the verge of tears, wishing I could cry, but I cannot because there are other people present in the room and for some stupid reason my male ego says I have to be the tough guy. It's not like a whole group of people are here, just me and my roommates, but still, I feel the need to uphold my aura of strength. Truth is, I am dying inside.

I don't mean to sound so dramatic, but I am going to speak to you how I feel. So many people think that I am this immovable rock, this solid person who doesn't experience emotions; like I'm some Brick people can kick around. But I do have a heart; I do care. In fact, it is my heart for other people that leads me to my current emotional dilemma.

I am grieving inside over some friends of mine who are making decisions that are ruining their life. I won't go into detail because of privacy, but basically, they are becoming adults and making their own decisions, and those decisions are leading them down a path that leads to even more pain and ruin. (When I say these things they are doing are bad, you are going to have to trust me. I'm not talking about something trivial like they decided to watch R-rated movies or leaving cherry bombs in someone's mailbox: I'm talking about decisions that affect people's psyche--not to mention some decisions are illegal.)

I lie here in bed, typing on my computer, weak, wanting to cry, but holding it back. These are people I have grown attached to; people I have shared my life with and trusted. I have a strong emotional bond with these people, and to see them ruining their lives kills me. The decisions they make they do selfishly, doing only what they want to do and living totally for themselves, a concept that is foreign to me. I want to understand, but I just cannot. And my heart bleeds for them.

I feel like a parent, watching their kids make mistakes and not being able to do anything about it. I love these guys more than I love anyone else and to watch them fall is devastating.

The image that burns in my head right now is that I am on a mountain...

Snow is all round, knee deep, and the wind is blowing the snow in every direction to where I can hardly see. I look down and see someone down there on the edge, clinging for dear life. So I yell down to them, throw them a rope and tell them to hold on tight. They grab the rope, and slowly start to pull themselves up. As I look, I can see tears in their face as they struggle. I pull the rope as hard as I can without pulling myself off the ledge.

As they climb higher, I hear them say, "It's too hard! I can't make it!"

"Yes you can!" I yell back. "Just keep holding on."

A large gust of wind blows them and they look down, shielding their face from the onslaught. I never let go of the rope, and I keep pulling up. But they have stopped. As I shout more encouragement to them, I see them look up, a look of total defeat in their eyes, and I hear them say...

"I can't do it..."

... and I watch them let of the rope and plummet to their death.

This is how I feel. This is why I sit here in tears wanting to punch the concrete wall next to me. I am watching my friends plummet to their death and there is nothing I can do about it.

Yet, the scenario is not accurate enough. I still talk to them and have to see their pain. I have to see them every time after they made their choice and watch them live in their consequences. I have to watch them walking around in their death while I try to pull them out of it.

Many times I feel like giving up. Many times I ask myself why I bother with these people; why do I continue to put so much effort into a relationship when I cannot make them change?

Then I am reminded of the One who never gave up on me....

It is His love that brings me through this. He never gave up on me, so I will never give up on them. It will be hard, watching your friends die each day, but I figured if God can do it, I can do it.

And I know I will be alright because I have the Holy Spirit inside of me and it is His strength that drives me on, not my own. I know I will be okay because someone has already believed enough in me to die for me.

Following His Call,
Adam
John 11:35

Invisible

Hey everyone!

As I sit here composing this blog, the question is ringing in my mind: "Should I use my new found powers of invisibility for good or for evil?"

Let me back up and explain: Right now, there are four people standing in my doorway discussing what they want to do for fun tonight. As they talk about random games and potential movies to watch, I try to throw in my opinions as to what to do. However, my words fall on deaf ears. My comments are ignored as easily as if I had never said them. Pretty soon, one of my friends say suggests they should play Scribblish, to which my other friend replies, "Can we play Scribblish with only four people?"

It was at this point in the conversation that I realized I was totally invisible to those in the room. I mean, it wasn't like it was loud or everyone was talking at once; they could hear what I said, they simply choose not to acknowledge me.

So that left me with a thought: "What would I do if I was invisible?"

I know I seem cavalier about this whole thing, especially with people being so rude (and I'm pretty sure everyone would agree making plans about your evening and not inviting the person who is standing right there next to you is pretty rude, but to ignore someone's existence deliberately? ... that seems rather harsh to me), but  this has happened to me before. I have gotten used to being ignored and invisible.

A few years ago my laptop crashed. And by "crashed," I mean the hard drive literally burned up and I could not even use it anymore. I lost all my papers, all my hard work I had done all semester. That week was a living hell for me. I had two 15 page papers due by Friday (it was a Sunday that my hard drive crashed) and an 8 page paper due that next day. All my work: gone.

I pulled an all-nighter and got the first paper done. When I got back from delivering the presentation, I took a two hour nap, then worked on my other papers. After sleeping an average of two hours each night, I finally got the 30 pages written for the two papers.

But in the middle of this week from hell, I walked into a room of people (I believe there were five people in the room) and asked if I could borrow someone's laptop to finish my paper on because all the campus computers were taken (and they honestly were!). The room was silent. Everyone was just about to watch a movie and they were quiet as one person worked the DVD player. Everyone heard me, I am sure, but not one eye looked up at me to even acknowledge my existence.

Appalled, I just stood there a few seconds before saying slowly, "Oooookay...." Eventually, I looked at the guy closest to me (a guy who I had recently given a free laptop to because he had done a bunch of stuff for me and I had an extra laptop--a decision to this day I regret) and said, "Ryan (pseudonym), could I borrow one of your laptops?"

He blankly replied to me, "Sorry Adam, I'm using them," and turned back to the TV.

I looked at his desk. Both of his laptops lay closed on his desk. One of them was the one I had given him for free. The lights on the bottom of the laptops remained unblinking, indicating they were shut down, not hibernating or sleeping.

My jaw dropped. Rage filled my heart. I stormed out of there, afraid I would hurt someone.

As I calmed down, I really started to think about life and it's meaning. Am I really that unlikable that people would totally ignore me then flat out lie to me to my face? Do people really hate me that much? What did I do to make them not trust me? I am very good with other people's property--shoot! I fix laptops, not break them! Why does nobody trust me? Why did nobody even look at me? What did I do or say to make them hate me so much? Do they hate me? Were they all having just a bad day? ...at the same time? 


These thoughts have wandered through my head often. Even right now, they wander through my head. Thoughts of worthlessness, loneliness, rejection, self-pity, self-loathing, hatred, jealousy. I question my own value, my purpose, my friendship.

But then I realize that I am actually worth something. I am reminded that I am loved and that I am cared for. Even if the world hates me; even if people never want to speak to me again, Jesus loves me. He knows me for who I really am. He knows my faults and still loves me anyways. He accepts me even when everyone else in the world leaves me hanging out to dry.

Thank you, Jesus. I love you so much.

It's these Truths that make me so cavalier about being totally ignored. It is the love of God that allows me to lightheartedly ask, "Should I use my powers of invisibility for good or for evil?" when faced with rejection. It is God who receives all the glory in all this, not me. I get nothing by being rejected, but by His power, I can face anything.

I have learned that when you know who you are in Christ, nothing in life can phase you.

Following His Call,
Adam
Philippians 3:10-11

Brick

Hey everyone!

I am not sure what to title this blogpost. Normally I have a general concept that I work from then expound, but this time it's something... different. This is very personal. And I am beginning to see how this blog (currently EDGE-X) is going to be reformatted into a new type of blog and I will soon create two more blogs. These ideas are still swimming around in my mind, so I will address them later in a later post. 

For now, let's talk about what's going on in my brain. 

I know it's been a long time, but I have been really busy. I am going to try to get more done this year, but the blog will soon be reformatted, that's why I've been hesitant to post anything, because I didn't know what I would be doing with my blog. 

Yet, I regress once more... What's really on my mind is people's perception of me. I normally don't like talking about myself, but I seriously believe that people don't understand me. 

It came to my attention first at dinner the other day. One of my friends (Kari, pseudonym) forgot to text another one of my friends (Wade, pseudonym) a dinner invite. Kari felt so bad, she apologized profusely to Wade, who laughed and continued to tease Kari for her forgetfulness. After repetitive apologies from Kari, I leaned over and said, "You should take it. Kari never apologizes like this to anyone. She has never even apologized to me. Ever." We all laughed and Wade accepted the apology while Kari said (paraphrased), "Well, that because Wade is like a teddy bear, and you, Adam, are like a brick we can kick around." We all had a good laugh, but the implications of that innocent statement got to me.

Am I a brick? (There you go! I have the title now!)

I think many people just don't understand me. They see me as the "big tough guy" (or the "small tough guy"... but whatever), the "strong man," the "armadillo" (okay, so nobody has ever called me that). But seriously, people think I'm this big mass of stubborn will and boldness and that they can toss whatever they want to my direction and nothing will stick like BBs off a tin roof. 

What most people don't realize is that I really do have feelings. I have emotions, I care about people, and I legitimately want to help people and make the world a better place. I cry at night for those who are hurting. I  mourn for those people who are close to me who are doing harmful things to themselves and their future. My heart breaks for the youth of this world, and the hurt they go through. 

I don't put on a strong exterior to cover it up. I explain my heart to anyone who asks. I'm not afraid to sit down and open my heart to people and express how I feel. I try to make the world a better place. I try to encourage everyone I can. I try to ask how their day is, how their Christmas break was--I legitimately care about people. 

My strong, forceful nature is just my natural personality combined with my upbringing. But most people see it as, "Adam's a tough guy, he can take it!" When in reality, it still hurts. Over the years, I have developed this, "tough guy" attitude to keep myself safe--so nobody would notice when they hurt me. I have developed a very thick skin so I can take most any criticism.

But the criticisms still hurt....

Recently, my friends have said I was "too wrapped up in your own emotions and pride;" that I was selfish and arrogant, and thought only of what I wanted and what made me happy. That hurt me more than I would like to admit. My "friends" obviously didn't know me... or at least the full me. 

I think one of the major problems in life is that nobody bothers to look at the world through anyone else's eyes. We get so caught up in viewing the world from our spectacles that we start to criticize others when their views don't line up with ours. I try my best not to accuse anyone; I try my best to try to see the world from their perspective.

Yet nobody seems to do it for me....

Nobody tries to get to know me....

I know "nobody" is rather absolute and dramatic, but rarely do people actually take the time and invite me to lunch just to talk. Rarely to people stop by my room to just hang out with no other agenda. 

I start to wonder if I am just that unlikable....

But then I realize my worth. I realize God sees me more than a brick. It doesn't matter how other's view me. It doesn't matter if other people like me or want to get to know me. It doesn't matter if they understand me or try to see the world through my eyes. 

Jesus already knows me and understands me. 

Following His Call,
Adam

Psalm 139:19