Wallpost

Hey everyone!

So here I am again... it is too early in the morning and I have something on my mind. Be ready for another late-night rambling, loaded with emotions and questions with no real answers. Here I go:

I was just on The Facebook (yes, I just called it that), and I saw my friend, Cole (pseudonym), post on the wall of another friend, Ryan (pseudonym), and Ryan commented back just a few minutes later. Whoa... profound, right? I know what you are thinking.... This is so intense! I am so glad you shared that with us, Adam!


Okay, so maybe you were not thinking that at all. In fact, you were probably thinking, Huh? What? Why is this significant? I have no idea what you are even talking about, Adam. Let me give you a little back story to help you understand.

When I first met Ryan, we quickly discovered we had a lot in common and became close friends, even though our age difference was rather large. In a lot of ways, Ryan was like a little brother to me, and he looked up to me in a lot of ways. Having never been appreciated like that before, I did not react well to Ryan giving me so much praise and attention. I had never really been taught how to take a compliment, and for some reason never felt appreciated at home, school, or with my friends (I don't know why; maybe I have a mental block or something). When Ryan started actually liking me for who I am, I ate it up. For what felt like the first time in my life, I felt genuinely loved and appreciated.

Let me clarify before someone reads this and gets all creeped out. When we think of "love" we think of the romantic type of love, and there is a love and appreciation that comes from a woman that a guy needs at some point in his life. That woman most likely becomes his wife and they share a love and appreciation on much deeper level. But for guys, we need to feel loved by other guys too. We need to feel accepted and appreciated as a man in front of other men. Men need to know they  are a part of the pack. I felt like Ryan was the first young man to accept me as part of the pack and look to me as the man God had made me to be. Like I said, he looked up to me and admired me in many ways, as I cared about him and his general well being.

Consequently, because I loved Ryan, I wanted to help Ryan in any way I could. For those of you who know me, I genuinely love everyone and want to help them as much as humanly possible. You will may times find me saying, "Let me know if there is any way I can help you," "Call or text me and let me know if there is anything I can do," "I really do care and want to help, so don't be shy to get a hold of me and tell me what you need," "If there is anything I can do for you, let me know, whether that is money, venting, talking, counseling, etc." You get the picture. I love helping people.

However, many times I come across as over-eager and it creeps some people out. To some it just turns them off and they try to get away . Because I have never been shown how to accept praise and reciprocate love and appreciation, I tend to be pushy and zealous. I get in people's faces. I am nosy. I don't leave them alone. I don't leave enough space. I am always there, always asking, always waiting to help. And that disturbs people--with good reason! Nobody wants to have a person following them everyone wanting to know everything they are doing. As much as people want help, they want to be independent too and have their space.

This is what happened to Ryan (I think, I don't really know because he and I have not talked about this). Ryan thought I was getting too close and felt awkward with my constantly being in his business. He pushed me away, and asked that I not speak to him again for a long time. For six months we didn't say one word to each other. When I would see him at different places, he looked the other direction and ignored my existence.

Suddenly losing all the affection and praise you once had, only to be replaced by rejection and isolation is one of the most difficult things a person can go through. When a daughter yells at her mother, "I HATE YOU! GET OUT OF MY LIFE!" and then storms out, never to talk to her mother again, that hurts the mother on a deep level no body can describe. When a younger brother looks at the older brother he has adored his entire life standing behind bars, he shakes his head, walking away, planing on never seeing him again. The hurt the older brother feels from his younger brother's shame is worse than any punishment the government could inflict on him. There is no pain in the world that can describe the feeling of losing the affection you once held so close to your heart.

I love Ryan as if he was my own brother. Even though Ryan was not family, he was--is--my friend, and I hold certain friends to the same level as family. To see how I pushed too much and invaded his privacy, manipulating him to tell me things he wouldn't tell me before broke my heart. He didn't want to talk to me anymore. That killed me inside. It still does to this day.

Ryan and I have rekindled our relationship... somewhat. I did not initiate this rekindling--he did. I gave him space and backed off. I wanted to never be pushy again. While our relationship is somewhat back, it looks nothing like it did before. I can't really talk to him anymore; we can't have serious talks without him backing away and withdrawing, like I am going to hurt him again. It kills me inside, knowing I inadvertently hurt him so badly by being so intrusive.

When I saw Ryan comment so quickly to Cole's post, it reminded me that Ryan would never reply to my post that fast, if he ever replied at all. This distance between us now--both emotional and physical (since I have moved to college and he to another area)--makes it so easy for him to keep that distance between us. I send him a text once in a blue moon, asking him a simple, innocent question (such as, "What's up?"), and he never replies. He never initiates a text to me either. I would think it is because he is so busy, but when I send him Facebook messages informing him I will be in his area in the near future (not even saying that we should hang out), he never replies back. Yet I know he is online, because I can see him post statuses and comment on other people's wall on my News Feed.

Every time I see one of his comments on someone else's wall, it drives the knife of rejection deeper into my soul. I am reminded with every comment that I screwed up, that I hurt him, that we will never be close friends again, and that I will never be able to fully apologize for what I did. While my unhealthy attachment to Ryan is ancient history, the shame and hurt of what I accidentally did will forever live in me, being amplified with each ignored message and text. When I saw him comment on Cole's wallpost, I winced, because I had just sent him a Facebook message a week before asking  when he would be free in the near future. In essence, he ignored my message, and responded to Cole's.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? Have you been totally rejected? Have you ever unintentionally hurt someone and then never got the chance to make it right? How do you deal with the pain and guilt of making such a mistake? How do you make the relationship right? Can you? How do you tell someone how sorry you are? How can you tell them that it will not happen again when the person doesn't ever want to talk to you? How can you understand what is going on in their head if the person doesn't ever talk to you about it?

These are questions I ask myself. They are not meant to be rhetorical; feel free to answer them if you so desire. I welcome any constructive criticisms or responses. I hope you all have a blessed day.

Following His Call,
Adam
Colossians 3:13

Mediocre

Hey everyone!

I am mediocre at life. What does that mean? Well, keep reading and you will find out!

I have somewhat alluded to this concept somewhat in Curse, but I want to really expand upon it now. This concept I have been developing in my mind for several years now, so bear with me as I try to explain it.

Have you ever played any racing video games? Maybe arcade video games where you have to fight someone? Ever played Mario Kart? (If you haven't go along with me and I will try to explain. If you have, I will be showcasing my nerdiness for a little bit.) In every game where you can pick a different player, they always give you options about what style you can pick. For example, in Mario Kart, you can pick Toad or Yoshi, who have very fast acceleration. Or you can pick Wario or DK, who have very fast top speed. When you pick those players, you have to sacrifice something else in order to get the top whatever you want. To have top acceleration with Yoshi, you have to sacrifice the weight class (meaning turning will be harder and other players can bump into you and spin you out). To have top speed, you can play as Wario, but you have to sacrifice acceleration (so every time you crash, it takes forever for you to get back up to your speed again).

Are any of these better than the other one? No! Absolutely not! It all depends on your playing style. There is no best character in Mario Kart; each character can win depending on who is doing the controlling on the controller. Each player selects the character that most fits their playing style and uses that. That is why there are many options to choose from, because not every person races the same way.

What about Mario? Mario tends to be the all around average character. Mario does not have top speed, top acceleration, or top turning. Mario is just well rounded and is great for pretty much anyone to use when they are beginning.

Many times, I feel like Mario. As I go through life, I feel like there is no one thing I excel at. I don't have "top speed" or "top turning." I am not great at singing (but I can hold a tune if I really focus), I can draw basic drawings if I really concentrate, I don't play many instruments (and those instruments I do know I don't play exceptionally well), I am okay at sports (enough to not lose all the time), I can act enough to play minor roles in plays, I can public speak if needed (but it isn't very eloquent), I can write enough to convey my thoughts (but I am not very poetic in my writing style), and I'm friendly but not really charismatic.

Based on my experience in life through meeting people and talking with them, everyone seems to be good at at least something. Most people tend to excel in one particular area: whether that be the arts, athletics, communication, video games, writing, etc. I don't. There isn't one area I excel at.

For years that annoyed me. I always remembered filling out those questionnaire stuff in school that had questions like, "What are you good at?" I always hated that questions. I had no idea what I was good at. I would start to write, "video games" then I remembered that my friends beat me in them all the time. I started to write, "soccer" but then I remembered I was benched often during games. I started to write, "writing" but then I remembered the teacher's marks from previous years on my papers on where I messed up. I started to write, "drawing" but I remembered my friends mistaking a robot I drew for a cow. For years I had no idea how to answer that question. When trying to find the purpose God had for my life, well meaning Christians would ask, "Well, what are you good at?" And I would think and answer, "I don't know!" Then they would reply, with as much caring and grace as they had, "Oh, come on! Don't be modest! Tell me what you're good at." To which I replied, "No, I really don't know." They would frown in confusion and I would shrug my shoulders, a look of "I'm really sorry?" on my face.

I think the main problem we run into in analyzing this question is our comparisons. It is SO EASY to compare ourselves to other people. I still do it today, and I don't realize it at first. When we look for purpose or look for success, we tend to look at first what the world recognizes as successful and then look to our friends and compare ourselves to them.

First off, the world's perspective is wrong. What the rest of the world will tell you is good and successful is wrong. Money, fame, popularity, and being liked are not things to strive after. Material possessions and praise will only make you feel fulfilled for so long. We need to look to a higher goal if we are to find our real purpose in life.

When we realize that the world doesn't have what we want, we tend to turn to people we are closest to and then we compare our lives to theirs. "My friend Billy is really good at music and he finds so much purpose in singing and playing guitar. Dang... I really wish I could play guitar like Billy..." The thought behind this is, "If I can be good at one thing, then I will be fulfilled."

I bought into this lie for years. It took me until high school to figure this out. I went to a camp one year and God called me to the ministry. If you haven't heard about my call experience, read about it here in Call. I was confused. I didn't know what to believe or think. But it was through that moment that God showed me what my ministry was. I was to literally be "all things to all people." Wherever God wanted me to go, I would go and He would equip me for that task.

I discovered something about myself: God didn't bless me in one area because I wasn't supposed to serve in once area. I was to be available to do whatever is necessary until someone else could step in and do it better. I can relate to a wide variety of people because I dabble in pretty much everything to some degree. I am a gamer, I can play sports, I know music, I can act, etc.

When I took my focus off of comparing myself to other people saying I wasn't really good at anything, I realized that I was just okay at everything. God made me this way for a reason, and I am just beginning to understand it and live it out. I am okay with who I am now and how God made me. I love it!

I am a Mario. I am mediocre. And I'm okay with that!

Following His Call,
Adam
1 Corinthians 9:22

Call

Hey everyone!

I thought I would let you know why I have "Following His Call," at the end of every post. It seems rather hyper-Christian at times. Why don't I just put, "Yours truly?" Why don't I put a signature at the bottom at all? 

Well, for one, I can never spell "truly" right. The autocorrect always fixes it for me. (Thank God for spell check! I would not be a blogger if it was not for spell check! I would be too embarrassed to write for fear I would spell something wrong and then everyone would laugh at me.) 

Secondly, I have had a very radical encounter with God that changed my life forever. Well, actually two encounters, but I will tell you the later. (You can read somewhat about the other one in Holy.)Do you want to hear it? Of course you do! Or you wouldn't be on this blog right now. 

Between my eighth and ninth grade year, we went to a summer camp. The camp emphasized worship: what is worship and how do we do it? It was pretty intense. One night, they had a 3 hour service with music, videos, skits, and a message. After the music played for a while and started to die down, I could see the speaker walking on stage to start to speak (I was in the front row). Rather than starting to pray like he normally did to start off his message, he motioned for the band to keep playing and told the light-guys to keep the lights off. He started to speak: 

"I have to admit, this is probably the weirdest thing I have ever done as a minister. I felt a very strong urge from God telling me that I don't need to speak tonight. So I am not going to. I had this message prepared, but I realized that it is not needed. The Holy Spirit is so present tonight in this room, that if you feel the urge to come forward and accept Christ, come forward."

About a dozen people walked forward (out of about five hundred people present). I sat down; I was overwhelmed by all the people going forward from just the worship. I put my elbows on my knees, cradling my head with my hands, emotionally overwhelmed. I was so joyful, thanking God for this miraculous event. 

After he got counselors for each of those who walked forward and ushered them out of the room to talk to the counselors, he started to address the crowd again:

"And I normally don't do this either, but I really feel God pressing this on my heart, so I will say it: If you feel called to the ministry, go ahead and come on to the front. I won't explain what that is exactly, just know if you are called, come forward."

I was hearing him, but I wasn't really listening. You know what I mean? Have you ever heard someone say something but not really comprehend what they said at the time? I mean, I could hear him enough to remember what he was saying, but at the moment it didn't process.

As I sat there, I felt the urge to walk forward. Having not really listened, I said in my mind, "No, God. I have been saved. Why do I need to go forward?" I felt it again, an urge in my chest and stomach to stand up and walk forward. "Why?" I asked Him again. "I don't understand. I have been saved. I know this. What is up at the front for me?" Finally, it felt like someone gently lifted me off my rear; as if they had placed their hands on my lower back and pushed me up.

I stood up and looked around to see if anyone was behind me. (I was at the end of a row, so I thought someone came down the isle and was pushing the back of my chair where there was a hole, trying to get my attention.) I distinctly remember looking into empty folding seats behind me and being very confused. But once I was up, I walked the very short distance to the front, where several dozen people have gathered. Two of my friends were up there. I stood next to one of them; he put arm around me, tears in his eyes. I started to ask him what was going on, but the speaker continued:

"If you all will follow these gentlemen through those doors back here and divide into different groups by church and sit together, I will be with you in a moment." As we started walking back, he addressed the crowd, "Youth leaders, if you see students from your church heading back there, could you follow them and join their group." 

We entered the back conference room and I found seven other members of my church. When two of our leaders came in, we sat in chairs in the very back. The speaker came in and stood at the front of the room and addressed us again. He spoke about how God had called us to the vocational ministry, meaning we were going to be the next generation of missionaries, pastors, youth pastors, children's pastor, music ministers, etc. He made sure to let us know we were not an elite or different from other people, we were simply called by God for a particular task. He told us to go around the circle now and talk about it; let everyone from our church know what was going on in our heart. Our youth leaders were supposed to guide the conversation and let us talk.

We turned in our group and went around discussing what we experienced. People from my church were like, "God has called me to be a children's minister!" "I feel God has called me to the mission field." "I'm going to be an evangelist!" "I love working with youth, so I think I am to be a youth pastor." "God wants me to be a senior pastor."

And then it gets to me... "I..." I started," I... I don't know why I am here. I don't know what God has called me to... I like working with youth?" That was the hardest thing for me to come to grips with, not knowing what to do. My mentor was in the circle, and for the next few months, he was very patient with me as he helped me to work out my calling. 

My youth pastor was also working with me. He went through a study with us about the calling experience to make sure we weren't acting out of emotion. That was the biggest help for me more than anything else. I definitely didn't want to just act out of emotion. Even though I had no idea what I was going to do in the ministry, I knew I wanted to serve God with all my being. 

The single question that I felt solidify what I was wrestling with inside was this: "Adam, could you see yourself content doing anything else other than being in the ministry?" It took me a while to really think about that, because there were several other things I really wanted to do--like go into film, for instance. However, the more I thought about it, the more I could not get my mind off the ministry concept. I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing, but I honestly couldn't see myself doing anything but serving God. 

It took me several months to understand my calling fully. Finally, after a conversation with my mentor, I think I finally got it. My call isn't to one specific field. As my mentor suggested, "Maybe you already have your answer to the question you have been asking. You have been asking, 'What am I supposed to do, God?' And maybe his response is just that: 'What.'" What he was saying is that my call is "What": I need to be available to do whatever God would have me do wherever he places me. Instead of one ministry, I am called to literally be "all things to all people." Wherever there is a ministry position to be filled, I am there to fill it. I can be anything, and He will equip me for each work. 

The calling experience isn't something that can really be described.... It is like a sixth sense... or a feeling one has. A person can't just decide to be a minister one day. Because if they do, they will leave the ministry in a few years after their first experience. Ministry is hard! You deal with really dumb, thickheaded people who will not yield; you have to extinguish fires between two warring people; you have to listen to people's problems and counsel them, even when sometimes you want to just tell them to get over it; you have to organize a budget and plan for a source of income that totally depends on people's willingness to give; you have to publicly speak every week about topics that could offend people. It's like having twelve different jobs all merged into one. Nobody picks that for themselves.

The best way I can describe the call is that you are constantly thinking about it in some way; you are literally being pulled to it. When I worked as a meat cutter, I found myself naturally counseling, witnessing, and loving on people I worked with. It was like I had my own mini-church in the meat department. No matter what field you are in, if you are called, you will constantly be pulled towards whatever God wants you to do. in that field 

The call is one of the best experiences in the world. You feel like you are fitting exactly in place, like all is right in the world. When financial troubles come your way, you can work through it, because you have this peace that you are in the right place. When people start to accuse you and belittle you, making your question everything you believe, you still pull through (speaking from personal experience here). 

I think it is very important to note that the Calling is not for everyone. And it doesn't mean those called are more special than those who are not. God calls EVERY person to a task; EVERYONE experiences their own call in some way. To some He calls to be teachers; to others, construction workers. He calls some to be accountants or marketers, and others soldiers or farmers. Everyone has their own calling, but for some it is vocational ministry. 

So what have you been called to?

Following His Call,

Adam

Isaiah 6:8