This is probably one of the "darkest", most revealing, and most introspective posts yet. I encourage you to read it all the way through so you can get the full picture of what is going on in my head--and so you don't think I'm some kinda of self-loathing person.
I seriously feel like I am a walking curse. I am a walking dark omen, a bad luck charm, a plague to other people around me. If you have played random chance games with me for very long, there are certain streaks in the games where I just have "bad luck". I can't seem to catch a break and get anything right. Games like Risk, Settlers of Catan, and Farkle all seem to weigh against me (not recently have I had bad luck such as this, thank God, but the majority of the time I do). Maybe it's my own negative attitude toward the situation that makes me perceive the worst in the game, who knows? But I personally feel I have some of the worst "luck" in the world.
I don't believe in luck, please don't think I do. I believe God is in control of all things, and while I may not understand why He does what He does at certain times, I do believe He is in control. However, other people have noticed my "bad luck". A good friend of mine once told me, "Adam, its people like you that make me believe in bad luck."
I have noticed this curse for years. The worst part is that my curse affects other people. My bad luck isn't only for me; it tends to bring others down too. I have hurt so many people during my life, most of the time unintentionally. I don't mean to hurt other people's feelings, I don't mean to make them angry or upset with me, but I inadvertently do. Many times, I don't even realize I have hurt them.
Much of the curse is under my control. My actions cause much of what happens to those around me, some of them directly affect other people. I know what I am doing when I purposely do or say something to harm another person. I am totally wrong for doing that to someone. My actions are flat out sin and I am to blame. I may say something that negatively affects someone. I may do something that someone finds offensive or disturbing. In these actions, I am at fault and I will be held accountable to God on the day of judgment. I am trying my best to fix these problems, giving full control to God. Thankfully, God hasn't given up on me yet.
On the other hand, some of my actions affect people and I don't even know it affects them. Many times, when I unintentionally hurt another person through some situation, the person I hurt keeps the pain to themselves and doesn't tell me how much I have hurt them. I may listen to a certain kind of music someone else finds severely annoying. I may watch a certain show or movie someone else is repulsed by (even though the show or movie isn't a bad show or movie). Other times, a problem rises when I am hanging out with one of my friends for an extended period of time and another friend feels like the person I am hanging out with takes priority over them. This is not the truth at all, yet they feel hurt by my actions.
Back in high school when I chose to date my (now ex) girlfriend, it offended several of my other friends because they were jealous or they felt left out, like I was intentionally reminding them of their singleness. Most of the time, these innocent actions cause hurt in others and I don't even know it because they don't tell me. Then my friends are mad at me for a very long time and I don't know why.
Besides my actions, negative things seem to attach themselves to me. I have been falsely accused of so many incidences I had no part in. I can recount at least ten different situations where I was falsely accused of something that I did not do. Some of these situations were brought to the attention of those in higher authority, causing my reputation to be shattered. I was innocent, yet it didn't matter to some people; once I was accused, that was it. They didn't want to talk to me any more or have anything to do with me. I seem to wear this cursed aura around me that turn people away.
Not only that, I seem to be invisible. I can't recall all the times I walked by some of my friends on campus, said their name, waved at them, just to watch them walk by me, totally ignoring me. When I'm standing with a group of friends, someone will come up and say "hi" to everyone in the group and then say "Oh hi, Adam! I didn't see you there," if they even say "hi" at all.
Not only do I feel invisible in friend groups, but at churches I visit, I feel like I am wearing Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. I have visited SEVERAL churches and SEVERAL Christian campus organizations, and when it came time to greet people, nobody would shake my hand. I stand there awkwardly. (This doesn't happen all the time but enough to make me start to wonder.) I started to get self-conscious, thinking I didn't shower or something. Maybe my shirt was messed up or my hair was out of whack. Maybe I had a weird look on my face. Nope, people just didn't see me.
One time, I walked into the church I grew up in and saw my aunt sitting down in one of the pews. I went over and sat down directly in front of her, smiling, waiting for her to say something (since she hadn't seen me in months). After a few minutes, I turned around in my seat to look at her, puzzled why she didn't notice her own nephew sitting in front of her. She was chatting away with her friend next to her. After a good laugh from the both of them, she stopped, sighed, and looked straight past me towards the front, then started to read her bulletin. I coughed loudly, she didn't respond. I said her name and she looked up, and (I kid you not) it took her a full two seconds to register who I was. She then said, "Oh hey, Adam! I didn't see you there!" *sigh* I get that a lot. I would just think that people are unobservant around me, but this has happened to me for years and years and years.
I also have noticed that I suffer with the Hedgehog's Dilemma. If you are unfamiliar with the Hedgehog's Dilemma, it is pretty simple: The closer a Person A gets to Person B, the more Person A hurts Person B. This isn't physical proximity, its not like I have literal spines growing out of me, but I do have mental spines that poke and prod those I grow close to. I unintentionally hurt people and I don't mean to. I'm not trying to, but I am seeing a reoccurring pattern of friendships where the more a friend gets to know me, the more they tend to dislike me. Is it something I am doing? Or is it just another part of my curse?
For a long time, all of these things that happened to me beyond my control would depress me. I would beat myself up and tell myself how worthless I was. I thought I was flawed, broken, useless. I thought that I should never get close to anyone ever again. If people ignored me enough, or maybe if I just shrunk to the background, I could eventually fade out. That way, I wouldn't hurt anyone anymore. I couldn't hurt anyone if they never got to know me. I couldn't be blamed for anything if know body knew me.
But the Holy Spirit spoke through the lies of the demons and told me the truth: that I was His child, and that He loved me, no matter what happened. Even though I would never win man's approval, that wasn't the approval I was looking for. God's approval was the only approval I needed. It was Him I should be seeking after, not others. So I did. And I still am.
In addition, He taught me that I can't live life in a bubble. I am not an island to myself. As "selfless" as I wanted to be in order to avoid hurting others, living a lonely life is impossible. We, as humans, were designed to live together. We are a communal people, and the hurt comes along with friendship, even if I do inadvertently produce more of it than others, is still part of being human. I can't live my life in a vacuum because I am afraid of ever hurting anyone again; that is not life. I need to get out there, let God lead my life, and pray for the best, serving Him with all I have.
I still may be "cursed" but I do have the Holy Spirit living in me. We all are "cursed" in some way; we all have our own problems and sins to deal with. The point is, are you letting Jesus take control of your sin or are you letting it control you? Is your curse beating you down or are you letting Jesus beat down your curse?
I still struggle with mine: I am still ignored at times, I still hurt those around me I love, both intentionally (sadly) and unintentionally. But the point is, I am trying. I am trying to serve God with all I have. I am trying to let Jesus rule and reign in my life. I am trying to listen to the guidance of the Holy Spirit, following His call on my life. I'm ignoring the lies of the world. I may be screwed up, but I have a God who is bigger than all that! He can take care of my curse! Will you let Him take care of yours?
Follow His Call,