Friendship

Hey everyone!


This post is actually an old post I did years ago on a different site, but I went back and modified it, updating it to today and correcting some of the grammar and spelling. It's pretty cool looking back to see how you thought back then compared to today. I love seeing how much I've grown!


Let me give you some context for this post: a few years ago when I first went to college, I had a hard time finding and making new friends. It took me three years to finally find a friend group I could hang out with and feel safe and comfortable with. But during that time of searching, I had to really define what friendship was to me. 


I am a thinker, so I have to put things into categories. Not everyone fits those categories exactly, but I only do this to make all the thoughts floating around my mind make sense. Thats why if you read my post "Love" I categorized love. Anyway, here is what I think of friendship:
Every word has two meanings: the denotative (the actual dictionary definition) and the connotative (the meaning we associate with it). The denotation of "friend" is "A person you know well and regard with affection and trust; An associate who provides cooperation or assistance; A person with whom you are acquainted; A person who backs a politician or a team etc.". These are very broad definitions. Probably because we use "friend" for everything, just like we use the word "love" for everything ("I love this pizza!" "I love my mom!" "I love my wife!" "I love this song!"). So really what is a friend?

My connotative definition of "friend", before today, was someone who you you could count on and trust. Someone that when you asked something from them, they did it willingly and joyfully. Someone that got your back when you forgot something. Someone who would defend you when you were in trouble. Someone who would sympathize with you in your pain. Someone who would correct you when you are wrong. Someone you could have fun with. Someone who would forgive you. Someone who would defend you when others talked about you behind your back. Someone who listened. Someone who shared your interests and sense of humor. Someone who you connected with. Someone who is there for you when you are suffering. Someone who understands when you are having a bad day and is patient with you. Someone who forgives readily. 

Am I wrong? Am I too demanding? Are my expectations too high?

Unfortunately, to most people, my expectations of a "friend" was too high. I expected my friends to be all of those, as I would be for them. That was unfair of me. I should not put my standards on other people. 

So now it is time to re-evaluate my definition of "friend". But as I started to redefine it, I realized that it wasn't the definition that was the problem, it was I was trying to cram several different things into one word. So instead, to make it easier for my mind, I divided "friend" into categories:

• "acquaintance" - someone you know and hang out with occasionally, but keep everything on the surface; you don't go too deep; don't discuss politics or religion; maybe work with them in a lab or project at school; main goal is to have fun, but not always; relationship can be both social and professional; many times acquaintances talk about each other being their backs
• "co-worker" - someone you trust more than an acquaintance when it comes to projects or activites; most of the time the relationship is professional, although it can carry over into the social life; co-workers usually have mutual respect for each other, and when discussing differences they listen and debate, but never argue; keep everything light hearted and upbeat; occasionally there is some talking behind each other's back but there is a mutual respect for each other
• "associate" - an acquaintance with a specific goal in mind; may disagree on most things, but have one thing in common that both agree on and work together on; an example may be a fundamentalist conservative Christian and a homosexual liberal atheist working together on ending poverty in their area, they disagree on most everything, but they are united for a single cause; this mostly applies to the work force
• "companion" - someone who may not agree with some of the things you stand for, nor do they have the same interests, but they are loyal to you and will always be there for you; even when you screw up and fall on your face, they are right there; normally they don't do many things together because interests are very dissimilar, but still have fun in each other's presence; they have a mutual respect and love for each other, even though they can't agree on much; they rarely hang-out, but are always there for each other when someone needs something; they may know some of your secrets, and you can trust them with your secrets, but they don't know everything about you
• "good friend" - same as a companion, but have more interests and things in common; this person you hang out with a lot, and you have a great time with; someone you always enjoy being around; these people know you for who you are and respect you for who you are; they may know some deep secrets of you life and you can trust them with pretty much anything; you may not agree on everything, but it doesn't matter because you love each other and are looking out for each other's interests; this relationship is a sacrificial relationship, meaning you may have to miss a class to help them out with relational problems, or you may not watch a certain movie you really wanted to watch to help them with homework, or you may take notes for them in class and deliver it to them in person when they are sick
• "best friend" - only reserved for a few people in your life; these are good friends who go above and beyond what you expect; they know you better than you know yourself at times and can read what you need when you need it; they go out of their way to help you out and make you happy; they know your deepest darkest secrets and accept you for it anyway; they live sacrificially for you, sacrificing their own wants and desires to help you out, as you do for them; the only other people they will put in front of you is family; if you needed a car because yours broke down, they would give you a car until you got back on your feet; these friends you have for life and can go years without talking and pick up right where you left off when you meet again; you can trust this person with your life
• "lover" - reserved for (preferably) one person in your life (although break-ups and divorces do happen); this is the person who knows you better than you know yourself; this is the best friend with romantic attraction thrown in; this person knows you better than even your best friends; he/she knows all about you and can read what you need; they can tell when you are upset and know exactly how to cheer you up; this is the most sacrificial of the relationships, sacrificing everything they have and own for you, and you do the same for them; it is a mutual love for each other

Understand, this is how my mind works. I have to sort it out in my head so I don't put too much expectation on someone I know. So what do you think? Am I way off base? Or does it make sense? If so, then who am I to you? An acquaintance? A co-worker? A best friend? 


Following His Call,
Adam
(Proverbs 18:24)

Love

Hey everyone!

The subject of love has come up so much in the past week for me! It has been brought up in three different friend groups, so it has really made me start to think, and thus, this blog was born.

What is love? (Cue obnoxious Haddaway song.) What does this word that we throw around so flippantly mean? What really does it mean to love someone? Are there different types of love?

Love is such a messed up word in the English language. We use one word to sum up about twenty billion different emotions. Ok, maybe not that many, but quite a few. Just go around and listen to your friends throughout the day and see how much "love" comes up:
"I LOVE that song!"
"Alright, I love you, Mom. Bye!"
"I really miss my dog; I love her so much!"
"Yes! They have buffalo-chicken pizza today! I LOVE buffalo chicken pizza!"
"I have the best girlfriend in the world! I love her so much!"

Wait a minute now.... How can we use one word to show our connection to a song, our mother, a dog, pizza, and our girlfriend? That seems so.... weird... Can you imagine trying to describe this word to people in another culture who are trying to learn English? "Well, this word actually has about twenty different meanings, depending on the context..." I would die....

So what IS love!? As a Psyc Major, there are a TON of theories on it. Elaine Hatfield suggests there are two types: Compassionate and Passionate. John Lee says in his book The Colors of Love that there are three primary styles and two secondary styles, as listed below:

Primary:

1. Eros - loving an ideal person
2. Ludos - loving as a game
3. Storge - loving as friendship

Secondary: 

1. Mania - (Eros + Ludos) an obsessive love
2. Pragma - (Ludos + Storge) a realistic or practical love
3. Agape - (Eros + Storge) a selfless love

Although Lee's looks nice, (and they are based on Greek words) I think he is still missing some things. Robert Sternberg seems to get pretty close to what I believe are different forms of love in his Triangular Theory of Love (Sternberg loves his triangles!). Sternberg says there are three major forms of love and how they express themselves together form different types of love, as expressed in a triangle. Thus, there are seven forms of love:

1. Liking/Friendship/Intimacy - this is the love you feel from having a close connection with a person, normally based on proximity to the person, how often you see them, and how much you have in common
2. Infatuation/Passion - pure passion; a romantic love that is mostly physical and superficial in the sense that it is based on instinctual feeling and reaction 
3. Commitment - a love that will stick it out to the end, no matter what happens; the two people are bonded together, and although they may not like each other, they will still be together no matter what. 
4. Romance - when Intimacy and Infatuation are brought together, the love expressed is very physical and moves very fast, this love is what Gary Chapman calls the "in love experience" in his book The Five Love Languages (which I discuss in my blog Languages). Romantic love is what we see in most Hollywood movies. This love only lasts for a season (on average anywhere from 2-5 years) and will fade
5. Companionship - combining Commitment and Intimacy, this is the kind of love most people have with their friends. When someone says "I love you, man!" this is what they mean. In Companionship, there is no physical part of the relationship, it is just a mutually beneficial relationship where both parties care about the other and are commited to each other. Many parent-children relationships are like this; there is a bond deeper than normal friendships, to where when the going gets rough, the parties will be there for each other.
6. Fatuousness - is probably the most interesting and bizarre forms of love by combining Commitment and Infatuation. This love can best be described as courtship. Sometimes people in this love really don't know each other well, but they have this natural connection to each other they can't describe. This is true "chemistry" in a manner of speaking; they may not really like what the other person is doing, or even share interests, but they will stick together and are passionate with each other. These relationships will last because of the commitment part of it, but they will never really be friends with each other. 
7. Consummation - when you fuse Intimacy, Infatuation, and Commitment, you get the ultimate, perfect form of love. This love is selfless, looking towards the needs of the other person. The couple here is romantic with each other, yet still has fun as friends, sharing the same interests and activities. The couple also knows that they will stick together even when they are mad at each other because of the commitment aspect of the relationship.  

I do like Sternberg's Triangular theory of love, but I think he is missing one vital aspect to a relationship: Trust. Looking through all of those, I would add a forth element, creating fourteen forms of love (which are the exactly the same as above, only with the trust component added) as described:

1. Acquaintanceship -  friendship without trust
2. Friendship - friendship plus trust
3. Infatuation - physical love and attraction without trust
4. Passion - physical love and attraction with trust
5. Commitment - a relationship that will stick together without trust
6. Loyalty - a relationship that will stick together with trust
7. Intimacy - Friendship + Passion
8. Romance - Acquaintanceship + Infatuation
9. Companionship - Friendship + Loyalty
10. Affiliation - Acquaintanceship + Commitment 
11. Courtship  - Passion + Loyalty
12. Fatuousness - Infatuation + Commitment 
13. Actualization - Friendship + Passion + Loyalty
14. Consummation - Acquaintanceship + Infatuation + Commitment 

Did I make it confusing enough? What if I said there was one more? What if i told you there was one that trumps them all? I believe there is one vital form of love that we are missing:

    15. Agape - this love is the truest, most pure form of love, one that is the beginning of all true love. This love is God's love, the one He bestows on us and the one that He gives to us to give others. This love is unconditional, there is NOTHING anyone can do to earn it or deserve it. Like a gift, agape must be given, and it is given without any strings attached. This way, we can really love those who are unlovable. This love drives those who can't experience it because they haven't experiences the Holy Spirit insane because it makes no sense to them. (Check out my blog "Fred" for an example of this.) 

So now you know how I view love. What do you think? Do you agree? Is it too confusing? Find your opinions and tell them to me. 

Following His Call, 

Adam

(1 John 4:8)

Pain

Hey everyone!

Lately, Satan and his demons have really been at work. For the first time in a long time, I haven't felt the spiritual warfare weighing down my life. I don't know it that is a good thing or bad thing; it is kinda making me uncomfortable. For the past two and a half years, I have really been feeling the struggle of spiritual warfare, and now it has suddenly stopped. I don't know if I am being protected or what, but I kinda express my previous year's discontent in Curse (if you haven't read it yet). Yet through the past few years, I have been listening to the Spirit through it all, and although life may suck at times, and although I may feel like I am just a screwed up guy, God is still in control and He still loves me. He wants me to have an abundant, joyful life through the pain.

But living life through the pain is hard. I've had seasons of depressing where I just didn't want to do anything but stay in my room and play games and watch movies in my pajamas. Living a joyful, Spirit filled life is not easy; we can't just call joy up on demand. We can't just take a "Joy Pill" and it will all be better. It seems like we are constantly at war with everything: the world, people in the world who hate us, stress, emotion, loss. Satan and his demons want nothing more than to tear us down. I have see this recently so much more than before.

I've discovered in my own life that when Satan can't seem to bring me down anymore--because I'm tired of listening to his lies or following the path he wants me to go down--he starts pointing out the pain my friends are feeling. I love my friends dearly, more than they will ever know. I try my best to restore friendships, reconcile lost relationships, and maintain those I already have. I will do ANYTHING for my friends; and Satan knows this. Instead of attacking me directly, he starts distracting me, and weighing me down with the feelings of my friends.

Although I am a Thinker by nature (I'm an E0TJ if you don't know.), I am also have deep emotions running through me. Most people wouldn't know that because I hide it so well. My emotions are so strong at times that I can't seem to control them, so I hide them away and don't let anyone see them. Despite my efforts to hide them, they are still there, buried underneath, waiting on me to pull them out when I need them.

Satan knows this, so he plays in that stream of emotions, forcing them out of me and making me feel different things that I don't want to feel. I ignore them most of the time, but when I start hearing the problems of my friends I lose it. My affections and connections to people are stronger than I would like to admit, so when they hurt, I hurt. When they cry, I cry. When they rejoice, I rejoice. My emotional streams are connected to theirs in a bond that is near impossible to break.

Recently, Satan has been attacking many of my friends, playing with their stream of emotions that are linked to mine. With them, I have experienced intense jealousy, deep depression, fiery rage, and even demonic activity. I see my friends hurting, and it tears me up inside! I want so desperately to take it all away from them, to just have me carry it all and never let them experience pain again. I hate seeing my friends hurting! It breaks my heart to know they are going through all this.

Yet, I am incapable of taking the pain away. As much as I love them and as much as I want to help, I am worthless. I can't do anything. But I know someone who can: the same Man that took away all my pain and all my shame: Jesus Christ. That Man is the only one who can take away their pain. Although we may not have a "Joy Pill" to ease all our pain, we do have something much greater: a loving Savior who has come down to earth just to be with us and love us so desperately, with a reckless, crazy love that can only be described as divine.

Jesus is our Joy Pill. Only He can give us joy through the pain. As much as I want to take it away and can't I discovered I am not totally worthless. Even though I myself can't take the pain, I have the One who can living inside my heart, and He can take the pain.

Satan may want to tear me apart by revealing how much pain my friends are in, but I will NOT let him! He may want to try to bring me to despair, but my God is bigger than he will ever be! So I'm going to start praying. Hard. I know I can't make a change, but thank God, I am friend with the One who can! Its time to start getting on my knees and praying for this lost, dying, and hurting world. Who's with me!?

Following His Call,
Adam
(Ephesians 6:18)

Personality

Hey everyone!

I thought I would let you in on a little secret of mine: my Myers-Briggs Personality Type is E0TJ.

If you don't know much about the Myers-Briggs Typology Test, let me explain:

There are four categories in the personality type, each with two different options in that category. The options are aligned along a spectrum, and most people fall to one side or the other. However, there are a few times people fall right in between. (Like me! I will explain later.) Many times, the "in between" area is reserved for specific situations--like the home, friends, or work. We all have different personalities in these different places, so psychologist recommend when you take the test to keep an area in mind and that it a few times.

Anyway, with four categories and two options in each category, you get sixteen different personality types, each indicated by four letters corresponding to the options you picked in each category (Ex: INFP, ENTP, ISTJ).

Before you go any further and read the rest of this blog, take this Personality Test.

Do you have your four letters? Above them are the percentages where on the spectrum you fall in each category. Now I'm going to explain what those results mean.
The four categories are:

1. How you gain your energy and recharge 
2. How you process information you receive
3. How you make decisions in life
4. How you organize and think about life

Within each of these categories are two bipolar options, as listed:

1. How you gain energy
• Extroversion - you gain your energy from being around people and talking with them
• Introversion - you gain energy from being away from people and being by yourself
2. How you process info
• Sensing - you are observant of things around you and process information from the things you see around you (i.e. people, the media, nature), you are more subject to change to a new situation
• Intuition -  you make decisions based on your own innate understanding of the situation, based on experiences you have had before, not likely to change in a new situation
3. How you make decisions
• Thinking - you make you decisions through logical processes, thinking things through until you come up with an answer that makes sense (this doesn't mean emotions aren't a part of the decision-making process, but they are weighed with everything else)
• Feeling - you make your decisions on what you feel to be right, things that you know to be true (this does not mean that thinking through a decision isn't a part of it, you think your decisions through, but go when what feels right)
4. How you view life
• Perceiving - you tend to be more spontaneous and don't really have a set day-to-day plan, you tend to not like ritual or routine
• Judging - you life is run through scheduling, even if it is basic (such as "Ok, today, my plan is to go to class, work on my paper, then have fun with friends"), you tend to be more comfortable in routines because you know what to expect

SIDE NOTE: If you get a "0", that indicates you are right in the middle of the two options.

Now that you know all this, go out and start searching for what people say about your personality type. Just a word of caution: you will NOT fit your personality description 100%. You are not the same person as everyone else, so therefore there will be differences. This is just a broad overview of personality. 

Have fun and let me know what you get! (I am an E0TJ. Check it out!)

Following His Call,

Adam

(1 Timothy 1:15-16)

E0TJ

Hey everyone!

Ok, so if you are unfamiliar with the Myers-Briggs Personality types, make sure to read my blogpost Personality. It explains the basic jist of things. It also links you to the personality test if you haven't taken if yourself; so go check it out now before you read my post. If you are familiar with the test, then read on. 

So, I told you my secret: I'm an E0TJ. What does the "0" mean? The "0" indicates I am right in the middle of N and S. So, another way to write my personality type is ENTJ/ESTJ.Since I am perfectly in the middle of these two types, so, I will talk about them both. 

ENTJ -The Fieldmarshal / Executive 

For those of you who haven't figured it out already, my blogposts are very ENTJ. It's thorough, wordy, and explains everything. Thats how ENTJ's are: we are thorough and check to make sure everything is ship-shape (and yes, I did read this blog several times over and adjusted it to make sure it worked and made sense). ENTJ's are natural born leaders, many times taking up the leadership role unintentionally. They are also probably the most unappealing of all the personality types because they tend to be brash and pushy, sometimes coming across as arrogant and heartless.

But I can assure you (from personal experience here) that they are not. They just see the world logically and try to make it most efficient as possible. In addition, they try to bring out the best in those around them, so they will push their friends--challenge them--and try to help them become better people (even if the person may not want to be better).

As children, they tend to find themselves the leader of their group of friends, many times not knowing how they became the leader, because they rarely self-appoint themselves as leader.

When it comes to the leading an organization, ENTJ's cannot build companies or implement plans well. They are the dreamers, seeing the end goal and visualizing where the organization will go, passing that vision onto others. Despite passing on vision (which can be vital), they cannot seem to do the small things required to run an organization. For that, they hire people who can. ENTJ's are really good at letting people do their own work, as long as it is done efficiently. 

Words to describe the ENTJ: power, complex, rational, logical, forceful, goal-oriented, visionary, organizational, planner, bold, abrasive 

For more info on this type (and to understand me better), please check out the Rational Portrait of the Fieldmarshal and The Executive.

Understanding Your ENTJ Friend

One big thing that turns most people off regarding the ENTJ is the ENTJ's boldness. Many times the ENTJ will ask controversial or probing questions (or make generalized statements) either to a person directly or to a group at large in order to get a response. Many people (especially Feeler types) HATE this about ENTJ's because it works them into a tizzy. But I want you to understand something: most ENTJ's don't mean anything by it (although some do, and they fight with other ENTJ's until one of them kills the other one). In fact, the reason ENTJ's do it is to try to better understand the person they are listening to. ENTJ's can tell a lot about a person by how they respond to a question: facial expressions, tone of voice, how the person phrases the response. The ENTJ isn't necessarliy trying to be manipulative (although some are, which is totally wrong), they are just trying to learn more about the individual, to try to better understand them.

Secondly, ENTJ's only want to make the world a better place. So if they seem pushy like they are trying to tell you what to do, they are not doing it to point out your flaw to make you feel bad or make them look good. Not at all! They are trying to help you out. (I know, it seems like a really dumb way to do it, right? Well, remember, in the ENTJ's mind, it's not rude, it's just a statement of fact that they expect you to reciprocate onto them.) 

Remember these things when talking to an ENTJ. Not many people can stand up to an ENTJ and walk away calm and collected. Here are some tips on how to remain calm and collected: 

1. Remember anything the ENTJ says is not to be taken personally.
2. The ENTJ has your interests at heart, but has a crappy time delivering the message.
3. Fight back with the ENTJ; stand up to them and--in a calm and collected manner--explain your side. 

On that last note, ENTJ's love nothing more than a good, healthy debate. And they can debate most anything, often times taking an opposing viewpoint just for the sake of arguing. They don't defend viewpoints they disagree with because they secretly believe the opposing viewpoint, but they do it to better understand the opposing argument and to challenge the person they are debating with to defend their view. By forcing the person they are arguing with to defend their view, it solidifies the argument in the person's mind (I recently found out this type of arguing was called Inoculation Therapy. ENTJ's are masters at Inoculation Therapy.). They are doing it to help, as evil as it may appear. The way you earn respect with an ENTJ is to stand up to them and defend your viewpoint with clear, concise, and calm answers, not heated emotions (because the ENTJ doesn't understand emotions well.). When you walk away from a conversation with an ENTJ holding your ground with chin held high, the ENTJ will have more respect for you than ever before. It's not uncommon to see ENTJ's smile through debates and smile when they are proven wrong.

Because the ENTJ doesn't understand emotions well, many times they have hard time accessing his or her own emotions. (This is not true for me anymore, but I will explain this part of a typical ENTJ personality anyway if you have any other ENTJ friends.) ENTJ's need to learn to connect with their own emotions and the emotions of others if they are to be functioning people and be successful in relationships. (I know for me, I have struggled in the past with finding my own emotions and learning how to control them.). If the ENTJ cannot master their emotions and learn to seek the emotions in others, they will struggle with making friends and finding a good spouse. 

ESTJ - The Guardian / Supervisor 

ESTJ's are very similar to ENTJ's in the sense they are natural born leaders. However, where ENTJ's see the big picture and want to fix the world as a whole and can convey those ideas and goals to people around them, the ESTJ sees the fine details and focuses more on the present actions. ESTJ's have very strong beliefs and hold those beliefs tightly, and expect those people close to them to hold onto those beliefs as well. Sometimes, they may come across as pushy, but not as much as the ENTJ. The pushiness of the ESTJ is more welcome and heart-felt, because the ESTJ focuses much on community and building friendships. They are the "model-citizens": involved in work, the kids activities, and community events.

As children, they were the kids who got all the homework done first and done right.

When it comes to organizations, ESTJ's can run them efficiently; they can plan, work out strategies, and tell people where to go and what to do. However, they seem to lack long term planning because they are so focused on the there and now; they focus on the little things that need to get done. 

Words to describe the ESTJ: facts, concrete, the now, detail-oriented, community, beliefs, hard-working, friendship, effort

For more info on this type (and to understand me better), please check out the Portrait of the Supervisor and The Guardian.

Understanding Your ESTJ Friend

ESTJ's tend to be more well liked, but can get annoying much of the time. Just like the ENTJ's, ESTJ's can seem arrogant and pushy. ESTJ's can also be bogged down with details to the point of boredom for most people. Understand that the details are very important for the ESTJ, so if they ask you for them, try to be as accurate as possible. ESTJ have to know all the facts before making a judgment call one way or another. Be patient with them because they are only trying to do what's best for everyone as a whole. 

Word meanings can also be very important for the ESTJ, so if you get hung up in a circular debate on word-choice it is because they have very specific meanings for these words. Learning to use the vernacular of the ESTJ you are dealing with is very helpful and can prevent long discussions over semantics. 

ESTJ's want to know the here and now, focusing on what you are thinking and feeling right now. Speculation has its place, but ESTJ's don't like to deal with speculation much when they have the concrete information in front of them now. Emotions are also difficult to deal with the the ESTJ; many times they don't know what to do with them. ESTJ's understand emotion better than ENTJ's but because they are community oriented, but since emotions are not as concrete as logical information, emotions may be difficult for an ESTJ to process at times. Try to understand that the ESTJ wants to help and understand you but many times cannot process some information that seems illogical. 

The E0TJ - The Guardian Executive / Fieldmarshal Supervisor

I am a literal combination of both of these personality types, sharing both their strengths and weaknesses. God made me unique for who I am, and for that I am grateful. So, when you are reading this, remember to keep both in mind when dealing with me and feel free to talk to me about it. I'm an open book for anyone who wants to talk to me. Just be prepared sometimes; I can come across as brash and abrasive. If I debate you, please don't take it personally, because I don't mean for it to be. If you are a Feeler type who is strong in emotions, please don't get mad at me if I can't understand your logic sometimes. I really am trying!

With that said, you have a blessed day, and I hope you will be willing to tell me your personality type. What is yours?

Following His Call,
Adam 

(1 Timothy 1:15-16)

Curse

Hey everyone!

This is probably one of the "darkest", most revealing, and most introspective posts yet. I encourage you to read it all the way through so you can get the full picture of what is going on in my head--and so you don't think I'm some kinda of self-loathing person.

I seriously feel like I am a walking curse. I am a walking dark omen, a bad luck charm, a plague to other people around me. If you have played random chance games with me for very long, there are certain streaks in the games where I just have "bad luck". I can't seem to catch a break and get anything right. Games like Risk, Settlers of Catan, and Farkle all seem to weigh against me (not recently have I had bad luck such as this, thank God, but the majority of the time I do). Maybe it's my own negative attitude toward the situation that makes me perceive the worst in the game, who knows? But I personally feel I have some of the worst "luck" in the world.

I don't believe in luck, please don't think I do. I believe God is in control of all things, and while I may not understand why He does what He does at certain times, I do believe He is in control. However, other people have noticed my "bad luck". A good friend of mine once told me, "Adam, its people like you that make me believe in bad luck."

I have noticed this curse for years. The worst part is that my curse affects other people. My bad luck isn't only for me; it tends to bring others down too. I have hurt so many people during my life, most of the time unintentionally. I don't mean to hurt other people's feelings, I don't mean to make them angry or upset with me, but I inadvertently do. Many times, I don't even realize I have hurt them.

Much of the curse is under my control. My actions cause much of what happens to those around me, some of them directly affect other people. I know what I am doing when I purposely do or say something to harm another person. I am totally wrong for doing that to someone. My actions are flat out sin and I am to blame. I may say something that negatively affects someone. I may do something that someone finds offensive or disturbing. In these actions, I am at fault and I will be held accountable to God on the day of judgment. I am trying my best to fix these problems, giving full control to God. Thankfully, God hasn't given up on me yet.

On the other hand, some of my actions affect people and I don't even know it affects them. Many times, when I unintentionally hurt another person through some situation, the person I hurt keeps the pain to themselves and doesn't tell me how much I have hurt them. I may listen to a certain kind of music someone else finds severely annoying. I may watch a certain show or movie someone else is repulsed by (even though the show or movie isn't a bad show or movie). Other times, a problem rises when I am hanging out with one of my friends for an extended period of time and another friend feels like the person I am hanging out with takes priority over them. This is not the truth at all, yet they feel hurt by my actions.

Back in high school when I chose to date my (now ex) girlfriend, it offended several of my other friends because they were jealous or they felt left out, like I was intentionally reminding them of their singleness. Most of the time, these innocent actions cause hurt in others and I don't even know it because they don't tell me. Then my friends are mad at me for a very long time and I don't know why.

Besides my actions, negative things seem to attach themselves to me. I have been falsely accused of so many incidences I had no part in. I can recount at least ten different situations where I was falsely accused of something that I did not do. Some of these situations were brought to the attention of those in higher authority, causing my reputation to be shattered. I was innocent, yet it didn't matter to some people; once I was accused, that was it. They didn't want to talk to me any more or have anything to do with me. I seem to wear this cursed aura around me that turn people away.

Not only that, I seem to be invisible. I can't recall all the times I walked by some of my friends on campus, said their name, waved at them, just to watch them walk by me, totally ignoring me. When I'm standing with a group of friends, someone will come up and say "hi" to everyone in the group and then say "Oh hi, Adam! I didn't see you there," if they even say "hi" at all.

Not only do I feel invisible in friend groups, but at churches I visit, I feel like I am wearing Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. I have visited SEVERAL churches and SEVERAL Christian campus organizations, and when it came time to greet people, nobody would shake my hand. I stand there awkwardly. (This doesn't happen all the time but enough to make me start to wonder.) I started to get self-conscious, thinking I didn't shower or something. Maybe my shirt was messed up or my hair was out of whack. Maybe I had a weird look on my face. Nope, people just didn't see me.

One time, I walked into the church I grew up in and saw my aunt sitting down in one of the pews. I went over and sat down directly in front of her, smiling, waiting for her to say something (since she hadn't seen me in months). After a few minutes, I turned around in my seat to look at her, puzzled why she didn't notice her own nephew sitting in front of her. She was chatting away with her friend next to her. After a good laugh from the both of them, she stopped, sighed, and looked straight past me towards the front, then started to read her bulletin. I coughed loudly, she didn't respond. I said her name and she looked up, and (I kid you not) it took her a full two seconds to register who I was. She then said, "Oh hey, Adam! I didn't see you there!" *sigh* I get that a lot. I would just think that people are unobservant around me, but this has happened to me for years and years and years.

I also have noticed that I suffer with the Hedgehog's Dilemma. If you are unfamiliar with the Hedgehog's Dilemma, it is pretty simple: The closer a Person A gets to Person B, the more Person A hurts Person B. This isn't physical proximity, its not like I have literal spines growing out of me, but I do have mental spines that poke and prod those I grow close to. I unintentionally hurt people and I don't mean to. I'm not trying to, but I am seeing a reoccurring pattern of friendships where the more a friend gets to know me, the more they tend to dislike me. Is it something I am doing? Or is it just another part of my curse?

For a long time, all of these things that happened to me beyond my control would depress me. I would beat myself up and tell myself how worthless I was. I thought I was flawed, broken, useless. I thought that I should never get close to anyone ever again. If people ignored me enough, or maybe if I just shrunk to the background, I could eventually fade out. That way, I wouldn't hurt anyone anymore. I couldn't hurt anyone if they never got to know me. I couldn't be blamed for anything if know body knew me.

But the Holy Spirit spoke through the lies of the demons and told me the truth: that I was His child, and that He loved me, no matter what happened. Even though I would never win man's approval, that wasn't the approval I was looking for. God's approval was the only approval I needed. It was Him I should be seeking after, not others. So I did. And I still am.

In addition, He taught me that I can't live life in a bubble. I am not an island to myself. As "selfless" as I wanted to be in order to avoid hurting others, living a lonely life is impossible. We, as humans, were designed to live together. We are a communal people, and the hurt comes along with friendship, even if I do inadvertently produce more of it than others, is still part of being human. I can't live my life in a vacuum because I am afraid of ever hurting anyone again; that is not life. I need to get out there, let God lead my life, and pray for the best, serving Him with all I have.

I still may be "cursed" but I do have the Holy Spirit living in me. We all are "cursed" in some way; we all have our own problems and sins to deal with. The point is, are you letting Jesus take control of your sin or are you letting it control you? Is your curse beating you down or are you letting Jesus beat down your curse?

I still struggle with mine: I am still ignored at times, I still hurt those around me I love, both intentionally (sadly) and unintentionally. But the point is, I am trying. I am trying to serve God with all I have. I am trying to let Jesus rule and reign in my life. I am trying to listen to the guidance of the Holy Spirit, following His call on my life. I'm ignoring the lies of the world. I may be screwed up, but I have a God who is bigger than all that! He can take care of my curse! Will you let Him take care of yours?

Follow His Call,
Adam
(Matthew 20:28)

Unworthy

Hey everyone!

Today, as I was sitting on the couch with my girlfriend, I just started thinking about life, and how amazing it really is. As my mind began to wander, I received a text message from a good friend of mine, asking me a few questions. His questions made me think even more about my life and how unbelievably blessed it has been.

My girlfriend was first on my mind--considering she was the closest in proximity to me. God has given me the most amazing, beautiful, wonderful, splendiferous girlfriend on the planet! How did I ever get a girl like her?! I am so unworthy, and she deserves so much better than me! Yet, she chose me; she chose to date me rather than any other guy. Me, of all people!

Why? I'm not that special. I'm really a nobody, I have nothing special or extremely likable about me. Honestly, when I see myself, I don't see any one thing that stands out that I can attach myself to (which is probably a good thing). I'm not an artist, I don't play any instruments well, I'm not a profound writer or blogger, and I do alright at public speaking. I don't play sports, I do descent in school, and I'm really not all that creative. I don't do that well in video games, I'm not charismatic (in fact, most of the time I come off as annoying), and I'm definitely not a genius by any stretch of the imagination. So why me? Why did she pick me?

My thoughts drifted away from my amazing girlfriend (who I don't deserve) and onto other parts of my life. My parents, although they have their flaws and are not perfect, are probably some of the best parents any child could ask for. They really taught me what true family was about: loving each other unconditionally, regardless of what happens, and regardless of distance or communication. My parents, although we don't get to talk as much (mostly that's my fault, because I'm a busy, lazy son), I still know how much they love me, although we don't always communicate it to the best of our ability. I couldn't have asked for better parents.

My brother is so special to me too. I have been blessed with a prodigy as a brother. For years we fought and argued, trying to kill each other when we could get the chance. But something changed the past few years. Now, we have become best friends. I'm so proud of him, more than he will ever know. The man can play pretty much any instrument, sing, dance, conduct, write music, act, sing and act at the same time, and bake. Not to mention he is a freakin' genius! He's smarter than I will ever be. And I'm just blown away that he is my bro.

My thoughts then drifted to my friends. For years, I had a weird expectation of what friends were supposed to be. It took God opening my eyes to see what true friends are. He has blessed me with the most amazing friends around. I have so many different friends from all walks of life, spread all across this continent. I have friends in Alaska, Minnesota, Illinois, Missouri, Florida, Texas--all over the place! I even have friends in China, India, Germany, and somewhere in Africa. God has surrounded me with some great foundation-friends--those who keep me grounded and remind me of who I am and where I came from. I have another awesome support group of friends up here in college who are my life-line. Without any of them, I would just be defeated and depressed most of the time.

Not only has God blessed me with so many external things, but also with many things I am only beginning to learn about myself. I may not be a genius, but I am fairly intelligent (I mean, I do go to Truman, that has to count for something). I am not charismatic, but at least people don't hate me. I am not that funny, but I can throw out a joke here and there. I don't play an instrument now, but at least I'm not tone deaf and can read a staff.

The point is, God has built me EXACTLY how He wanted me to be. My body, my mind, my spirit, my talents, my thoughts, my ideas: all His perfect design. He designed every part of me and created me in His image. I have the image of God in me! But not only that, but His Spirit is living in me as well! This is so exciting! Such a wonderful revelation!

Am I living up to that revelation? Have I been a good steward of what God has built into me? Have I been grateful for what He has? Have I been taking the time to just thank Him and getting to know Him better?

Lately, I have been seeing His blessings more and more. This revelation has been putting my life into perspective, seeing my place in the world. I'm nobody special, but I am special in God's eyes. I may not be talented by the world's perspective, but God designed me with the exact skill set I have for His purpose.

The point is, through all of this, I have found that I am really nothing. There is nothing special about me. Anything anyone sees that is good all comes from God. Honestly, when I look at my life, and I see my thoughts, and I hear those thoughts in my own mind, and they scare me. Deep down, I am not a good person. I am not likable, not praiseworthy, nothing. I am disgusting underneath. But God has saved me, He has called me to a higher calling, he has given me purpose. Now, I live my life for Him. All the good you see is all Him. I can finally say that with certainty and confidence now, humbled at who He is. I am so unworthy of all He has given me.

Are you taking Him for granted?

Following His Call,
Adam
(1 Timothy 1:15-16)