I am not sure what to title this blogpost. Normally I have a general concept that I work from then expound, but this time it's something... different. This is very personal. And I am beginning to see how this blog (currently EDGE-X) is going to be reformatted into a new type of blog and I will soon create two more blogs. These ideas are still swimming around in my mind, so I will address them later in a later post.
For now, let's talk about what's going on in my brain.
I know it's been a long time, but I have been really busy. I am going to try to get more done this year, but the blog will soon be reformatted, that's why I've been hesitant to post anything, because I didn't know what I would be doing with my blog.
Yet, I regress once more... What's really on my mind is people's perception of me. I normally don't like talking about myself, but I seriously believe that people don't understand me.
It came to my attention first at dinner the other day. One of my friends (Kari, pseudonym) forgot to text another one of my friends (Wade, pseudonym) a dinner invite. Kari felt so bad, she apologized profusely to Wade, who laughed and continued to tease Kari for her forgetfulness. After repetitive apologies from Kari, I leaned over and said, "You should take it. Kari never apologizes like this to anyone. She has never even apologized to me. Ever." We all laughed and Wade accepted the apology while Kari said (paraphrased), "Well, that because Wade is like a teddy bear, and you, Adam, are like a brick we can kick around." We all had a good laugh, but the implications of that innocent statement got to me.
Am I a brick? (There you go! I have the title now!)
I think many people just don't understand me. They see me as the "big tough guy" (or the "small tough guy"... but whatever), the "strong man," the "armadillo" (okay, so nobody has ever called me that). But seriously, people think I'm this big mass of stubborn will and boldness and that they can toss whatever they want to my direction and nothing will stick like BBs off a tin roof.
What most people don't realize is that I really do have feelings. I have emotions, I care about people, and I legitimately want to help people and make the world a better place. I cry at night for those who are hurting. I mourn for those people who are close to me who are doing harmful things to themselves and their future. My heart breaks for the youth of this world, and the hurt they go through.
I don't put on a strong exterior to cover it up. I explain my heart to anyone who asks. I'm not afraid to sit down and open my heart to people and express how I feel. I try to make the world a better place. I try to encourage everyone I can. I try to ask how their day is, how their Christmas break was--I legitimately care about people.
My strong, forceful nature is just my natural personality combined with my upbringing. But most people see it as, "Adam's a tough guy, he can take it!" When in reality, it still hurts. Over the years, I have developed this, "tough guy" attitude to keep myself safe--so nobody would notice when they hurt me. I have developed a very thick skin so I can take most any criticism.
But the criticisms still hurt....
Recently, my friends have said I was "too wrapped up in your own emotions and pride;" that I was selfish and arrogant, and thought only of what I wanted and what made me happy. That hurt me more than I would like to admit. My "friends" obviously didn't know me... or at least the full me.
I think one of the major problems in life is that nobody bothers to look at the world through anyone else's eyes. We get so caught up in viewing the world from our spectacles that we start to criticize others when their views don't line up with ours. I try my best not to accuse anyone; I try my best to try to see the world from their perspective.
Yet nobody seems to do it for me....
Nobody tries to get to know me....
I know "nobody" is rather absolute and dramatic, but rarely do people actually take the time and invite me to lunch just to talk. Rarely to people stop by my room to just hang out with no other agenda.
I start to wonder if I am just that unlikable....
But then I realize my worth. I realize God sees me more than a brick. It doesn't matter how other's view me. It doesn't matter if other people like me or want to get to know me. It doesn't matter if they understand me or try to see the world through my eyes.
Jesus already knows me and understands me.
Following His Call,