As I sit here composing this blog, the question is ringing in my mind: "Should I use my new found powers of invisibility for good or for evil?"
Let me back up and explain: Right now, there are four people standing in my doorway discussing what they want to do for fun tonight. As they talk about random games and potential movies to watch, I try to throw in my opinions as to what to do. However, my words fall on deaf ears. My comments are ignored as easily as if I had never said them. Pretty soon, one of my friends say suggests they should play Scribblish, to which my other friend replies, "Can we play Scribblish with only four people?"
It was at this point in the conversation that I realized I was totally invisible to those in the room. I mean, it wasn't like it was loud or everyone was talking at once; they could hear what I said, they simply choose not to acknowledge me.
So that left me with a thought: "What would I do if I was invisible?"
I know I seem cavalier about this whole thing, especially with people being so rude (and I'm pretty sure everyone would agree making plans about your evening and not inviting the person who is standing right there next to you is pretty rude, but to ignore someone's existence deliberately? ... that seems rather harsh to me), but this has happened to me before. I have gotten used to being ignored and invisible.
A few years ago my laptop crashed. And by "crashed," I mean the hard drive literally burned up and I could not even use it anymore. I lost all my papers, all my hard work I had done all semester. That week was a living hell for me. I had two 15 page papers due by Friday (it was a Sunday that my hard drive crashed) and an 8 page paper due that next day. All my work: gone.
I pulled an all-nighter and got the first paper done. When I got back from delivering the presentation, I took a two hour nap, then worked on my other papers. After sleeping an average of two hours each night, I finally got the 30 pages written for the two papers.
But in the middle of this week from hell, I walked into a room of people (I believe there were five people in the room) and asked if I could borrow someone's laptop to finish my paper on because all the campus computers were taken (and they honestly were!). The room was silent. Everyone was just about to watch a movie and they were quiet as one person worked the DVD player. Everyone heard me, I am sure, but not one eye looked up at me to even acknowledge my existence.
Appalled, I just stood there a few seconds before saying slowly, "Oooookay...." Eventually, I looked at the guy closest to me (a guy who I had recently given a free laptop to because he had done a bunch of stuff for me and I had an extra laptop--a decision to this day I regret) and said, "Ryan (pseudonym), could I borrow one of your laptops?"
He blankly replied to me, "Sorry Adam, I'm using them," and turned back to the TV.
I looked at his desk. Both of his laptops lay closed on his desk. One of them was the one I had given him for free. The lights on the bottom of the laptops remained unblinking, indicating they were shut down, not hibernating or sleeping.
My jaw dropped. Rage filled my heart. I stormed out of there, afraid I would hurt someone.
As I calmed down, I really started to think about life and it's meaning. Am I really that unlikable that people would totally ignore me then flat out lie to me to my face? Do people really hate me that much? What did I do to make them not trust me? I am very good with other people's property--shoot! I fix laptops, not break them! Why does nobody trust me? Why did nobody even look at me? What did I do or say to make them hate me so much? Do they hate me? Were they all having just a bad day? ...at the same time?
These thoughts have wandered through my head often. Even right now, they wander through my head. Thoughts of worthlessness, loneliness, rejection, self-pity, self-loathing, hatred, jealousy. I question my own value, my purpose, my friendship.
But then I realize that I am actually worth something. I am reminded that I am loved and that I am cared for. Even if the world hates me; even if people never want to speak to me again, Jesus loves me. He knows me for who I really am. He knows my faults and still loves me anyways. He accepts me even when everyone else in the world leaves me hanging out to dry.
Thank you, Jesus. I love you so much.
It's these Truths that make me so cavalier about being totally ignored. It is the love of God that allows me to lightheartedly ask, "Should I use my powers of invisibility for good or for evil?" when faced with rejection. It is God who receives all the glory in all this, not me. I get nothing by being rejected, but by His power, I can face anything.
I have learned that when you know who you are in Christ, nothing in life can phase you.
Following His Call,