Dying

DISCLAIMER: EMOTIONAL POST
(meaning that I am writing this while very emotional and I am not sure what will come out)

Hey everyone!

So, I am sitting here on my bed, on the verge of tears, wishing I could cry, but I cannot because there are other people present in the room and for some stupid reason my male ego says I have to be the tough guy. It's not like a whole group of people are here, just me and my roommates, but still, I feel the need to uphold my aura of strength. Truth is, I am dying inside.

I don't mean to sound so dramatic, but I am going to speak to you how I feel. So many people think that I am this immovable rock, this solid person who doesn't experience emotions; like I'm some Brick people can kick around. But I do have a heart; I do care. In fact, it is my heart for other people that leads me to my current emotional dilemma.

I am grieving inside over some friends of mine who are making decisions that are ruining their life. I won't go into detail because of privacy, but basically, they are becoming adults and making their own decisions, and those decisions are leading them down a path that leads to even more pain and ruin. (When I say these things they are doing are bad, you are going to have to trust me. I'm not talking about something trivial like they decided to watch R-rated movies or leaving cherry bombs in someone's mailbox: I'm talking about decisions that affect people's psyche--not to mention some decisions are illegal.)

I lie here in bed, typing on my computer, weak, wanting to cry, but holding it back. These are people I have grown attached to; people I have shared my life with and trusted. I have a strong emotional bond with these people, and to see them ruining their lives kills me. The decisions they make they do selfishly, doing only what they want to do and living totally for themselves, a concept that is foreign to me. I want to understand, but I just cannot. And my heart bleeds for them.

I feel like a parent, watching their kids make mistakes and not being able to do anything about it. I love these guys more than I love anyone else and to watch them fall is devastating.

The image that burns in my head right now is that I am on a mountain...

Snow is all round, knee deep, and the wind is blowing the snow in every direction to where I can hardly see. I look down and see someone down there on the edge, clinging for dear life. So I yell down to them, throw them a rope and tell them to hold on tight. They grab the rope, and slowly start to pull themselves up. As I look, I can see tears in their face as they struggle. I pull the rope as hard as I can without pulling myself off the ledge.

As they climb higher, I hear them say, "It's too hard! I can't make it!"

"Yes you can!" I yell back. "Just keep holding on."

A large gust of wind blows them and they look down, shielding their face from the onslaught. I never let go of the rope, and I keep pulling up. But they have stopped. As I shout more encouragement to them, I see them look up, a look of total defeat in their eyes, and I hear them say...

"I can't do it..."

... and I watch them let of the rope and plummet to their death.

This is how I feel. This is why I sit here in tears wanting to punch the concrete wall next to me. I am watching my friends plummet to their death and there is nothing I can do about it.

Yet, the scenario is not accurate enough. I still talk to them and have to see their pain. I have to see them every time after they made their choice and watch them live in their consequences. I have to watch them walking around in their death while I try to pull them out of it.

Many times I feel like giving up. Many times I ask myself why I bother with these people; why do I continue to put so much effort into a relationship when I cannot make them change?

Then I am reminded of the One who never gave up on me....

It is His love that brings me through this. He never gave up on me, so I will never give up on them. It will be hard, watching your friends die each day, but I figured if God can do it, I can do it.

And I know I will be alright because I have the Holy Spirit inside of me and it is His strength that drives me on, not my own. I know I will be okay because someone has already believed enough in me to die for me.

Following His Call,
Adam
John 11:35