Me

Hey everyone!

I have to admit, this is one of the most paradoxical posts I have ever written. The post is about me learning to realize that life isn’t about me.

It took me coming to the Holy Land to realize what I had been missing with my ministry.

I was called into the vocational ministry when I was still young in high school. I spent all my time in high school ignoring all the “temptations of the world” (as I called them), even to the point of taking a “not dating oath” (which said I would not date anyone in high school so I could focus all my efforts on learning more about God and my relationship with him). Looking back now, I can see where the slow fade began.

At college, I spent time learning the skills I would need to minister effectively to people. And skills did I learn! Not only did I grow academically in my knowledge of the Bible and Christianity, but I grew relationally as well. Where I was an arrogant Bible-Thumper in high school, torching the people around me with a flamethrower-style of sharing the Gospel that could only resemble Arnold Schwarzenegger mowing down trees with a Gatling gun in the movie Predator (maybe it wasn’t Arnold who used the gun, but someone with huge biceps did), I became more fluent with actually listening to people and talking to them like they had a brain, not like they were just some number on my “witnessing checklist.”

My life seemed set! I had a great ministry with a local church. I served as a volunteer in a local ministry. Everything seemed to be together.

Then chaos happened.

People started criticizing me. I expected the old fashioned Christian persecution for which my youth group so adequately trained me. What I didn’t expect was the criticisms I would get from my fellow Christians.

I was questioned about the “improper relationship” I was having with some of the youth boys—questions I was not prepared for because they came from out of the blue and with no rational reason. Nobody accused me of anything, just “expressed concern” about my involvement with the youth. Apparently, they never had a youth pastor who went to lunch with their youth and was genuinely concerned with their life.

That was the first time I began to question my calling. After some counseling with God, I realized that there wasn’t anything wrong with me or my psyche, but that I needed to watch myself in a changing culture and always live “above reproach” so I could be found “blameless” in the sight of God (Colossians 1:22).

I restored my ministry anew and began serving at a different church before the pastor was called to plant another church. I then found myself serving at yet another church soon after. My life seemed to be set again. I was on the path to pastorship. I had everything planned out: I was going to seminary, working at a church part-time and going to school. It was going to be great!

Three weeks before I graduated college, my life once again turned upside down.

I had posted some articles on Facebook about some of the views I believe. I won’t go into detail, because they are not important. What is important is that I handled the situation wrong. Rather than stopping the argument and letting the fire die from all the heated comments, I fanned it with my knowledge of the Bible and strong opinions. In the end, some people said some very rude things to me, questioning my ministry calling. They said that if I ever had a church, they would definitely not go to it and they feared for my future congregation, that I was going to “lead them astray” down a path that isn’t Christian. Other people in different posts started attacking me for some of the beliefs I had (mind you, I still think my views are considerably conservative compared to the vast views of Christianity as a whole, but apparently my views were not conservative enough for some people). I would receive private messages from other church members saying they were “praying for me” (code for: “I do not approve with what you are doing right now, so I am going to pray for you and expect God to shape you into what I want you to be;” but that is a rant for another post: Minister).  When I would go home to my home church, I could see the suspicious looks from some people in my congregation as they shook my hand after they asked, “So how is college going?” like they were probing me for the right answers. I learned to navigate these verbal and mental minefields and I learned to say the right keywords that would make them smile and say, “God bless you!” before wandering off.

Needless to say, I became hurt by the church as a whole. I was hurt by well-meaning Christians. I was tired of the expectation and everyone judging me and pushing me to what their definition of an ideal minister was like. I questioned my calling again. I questioned if people really liked me. I wondered how I would be able to reach anyone if people would criticize me all the time. What bugged me most was that I questioned myself: was there something wrong with me that caused people to dislike me? Was there something in me that I needed to change to reach people better so they would respect me and want to listen to me?

As I questioned all of these things, I started my trip to the Middle East. I thought I had tried to be a help to people before the trip, making sure they had everything they needed to go on the trip and had all documentation needed for the trip. When I got here, I felt like (and this is mostly in my head from my own insecurities, not actual reality) nobody respected me here. I wasn’t expecting anyone to like me, but I was expecting people to listen to me with attentive ears and not roll their eyes at me with a look that said, “Are we done here?” (Granted, I don’t think anyone actually gave me that look, but from my own insecurities, I felt this way.) I tried my best to help out anyway I could, but I kept feeling like the bad guy to people on this trip. No matter what I did, people complained (sometimes for good reason, because I was thinking the same thing, just didn’t voice it).

I was taking on so much personal responsibility for everyone. I legitimately care about people. I do not show it well at all, but I do care about them. I am the behind-the-scenes kind of guy who makes sure everything is arranged so the trip can go smoothly and effortlessly. I buffer much of the complaints and pushiness from the people in charge (such as tour guides), so the students don’t have to deal with it. I am by no means a victim or a sacrificial figure; all I am saying is that this is how I express how I feel about people. I typically do not take the time to sit down and get to know the people I am trying to serve, mostly because my personality is so abrasive I tend to turn people off at once (at least that has been my experience). The problem came when I started taking on more than what was required because I cared so much. (I know, it is kind of a weird, messed-up way of thinking, but that’s how my mind works)

Tonight, God spoke to me and put me back on the right path. The truth came from a wonderful young woman on the trip before her baptism in the Galilee. She shared her testimony, and she, much like me, has a problem with control. She, like me, had a hard time letting go and letting God run her life. She, like me, wanted to take care of herself. What she said (in essence, I am paraphrasing) that really struck me was, “I had to realize life was much bigger than just me, and I had to start loving God and loving people.”

That was the heart of the matter: I had not really been loving people. I was serving them. I was trying to make sure that everything was okay for their trip, but I wasn’t taking the time to actually minister to them and get to know them. God showed me (or rather reminded me) that ministry is way more than just making sure people have good lives and know the Gospel, it is sharing a life and love with people that transcends understanding. It is showing them a grace that we cannot comprehend.

As I stood there, knee-deep in the Sea of Galilee, watching the group pray in a circle, arms around each other’s shoulders, I couldn’t help but wonder why I was not a part of that group. It was at that point that God struck me hard: “This isn’t about you, Adam! This is about her!” In that moment, I felt shame. I felt horrible all over. Even in this moment of beauty where we witnessed the external evidence of a life changed, I am still there thinking of myself. I hadn’t realized how deep my selfishness ran until that point. It was no wonder I wasn’t a part of that circle praying! I hadn’t even taken the time to minster to any of them! I had not once talked with this young woman about her relationship with Christ! What kind of a minster would I be!

The moment was bittersweet to me. As I watched her, I was overjoyed with happiness as her decision. As I saw the tears of joy run down her face, my heart warmed and a tear came to my own eye.

Conversely, there was a shamefulness that I had been so selfish the entire trip. I had been focusing on me and what my future held—even during her baptism! As we walked back to the shore, I hung my head, ashamed, asking myself, “How can I be a minister if I can’t even relate to people and take enough time to talk to them?”

God gently reminded me once more: “Adam, this isn’t about you. Stop trying to do this all on your own and let me change you. Remember, I use the weak to demonstrate my strength. In your weakness, I am strong. I want to use you, Adam. Just remember to love me first and then love on others. That is all I ask of you. You don’t have to be a charismatic leader to be an effective minister. You don’t have to know all the answers or say the right things. Just be you and love people.”

That is the key to ministry. I have to love people at all times. I have to realize this is not about me. While this is something God has called me to, it isn’t about me at all. It is about him and what he wants for my life. It is about them and others I will run into in my life. It is about showing them the love and grace of Christ and the free gift of salvation that he offers.

It is not about me.

Following his call,

Adam

Matthew 22:36-40

Risen

Hey everyone!

Today is a weird day for me. It is probably the first time in 23 years that I haven't been at a church on Resurrection Sunday. I am having conflicting emotions.

At first I was mad. Now, I am not a stickler for attending church. In fact, if you knew me at all, I am more chill about attending church than anyone; I don't care if people go or don't go, as long as they are worshiping God. But on the day that we celebrate the entire reason for Christianity?! I should be there!

Then God reminded me: church is just a building housing people who all believe the same things. The majority of ministry doesn't happen within the church, but outside the church. They didn't have church on the first Easter. What did they do? They went around telling everyone about what happened! They went to the tomb and found it empty, and told EVERYONE!

What do we do today for Easter? We celebrate! But how do we celebrate? We go on Easter Egg hunts? We have barbecues? We attend cantatas and concerts? How much time do we spend going around telling others about what Jesus did? That's what the disciples did. They were so excited they went to tell everyone!

I'm not saying we shouldn't go to church on this day. (I am rather thrown off by not going to church, actually; I would rather be there.) All I am saying is that after we celebrate, we should go out and tell everyone! Get excited! Our Lord has risen!

It took me a while to get used to that idea of not going to church. Now, I am okay with not being in church, because I am at a spot where I can be of use. I am at my grandparent's house. They do not know Christ. I had to ask myself, where would I rather be: at a church with a bunch of people who have heard the Gospel a billion times or with family that I love and with whom I need to share the best message of all time? As you can tell, the answer was easy for me. 

This song excites me so much, I hope you get something from it too.

Today, don't forget to be missional. Christ came, He died for you, and He rose again. Be excited about that! Tell someone who doesn't know. Keep God in focus, others in mind, and remember what Christ has done for us.

Following His Call,
Adam
Matthew 28:6

Kony

Hey everyone!

As you can tell by title, you can guess what I am about to talk about. I will try not to beat a dead horse, because this topic has been run to the ground and dragged through the dirt.

These past few days have been difficult for me. Between school and loved ones getting very sick, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Add the Invisible Children dilemma to that, and I don't know what to think anymore. As an avid supporter of IC, these past few days have been challenging for me.

If you haven't seen the video, here it is. If you have seen it, go ahead and skip it and read below.

There is something to be said for this video. The video now has over 80,000,000 views. 75,000,000 of those views came within nine days of the video being posted online. It is the most viral video of all time. Despite what you think of the video, good or bad, that's an amazing feat.

RELEVANT Magazine already did an article on this topic. If you haven't read it, I encourage you to read it before you read what else I have to say, because I do not want to repeat anything they have already covered.


RELEVANT Magazine 
Is Kony 2012 Good or Bad?
by Rachel Held Evans

Now that you are slightly informed (if you were not already before), we can start to talk about this. Well, I can talk, and you can listen, I guess, unless you comment. That would be cool. You should comment; I like hearing your opinions.

I posted the article above on my Facebook page with the comment, "What do you think?" What I was expecting was some intelligent conversation about why you should or shouldn't support IC and the new Kony 2012 movie. I guess I thought people would be more aware of IC than they were. I thought IC was more well known than it was. As it turned out, Kony 2012 simply brought IC into the eyes of everyone in America who had never heard of them before. Suddenly, people who had no idea about this organization (that is almost a decade old) have suddenly been made aware. To them, it is a new thing. And (in the new viewer's eyes) this video was something IC just threw together with information they had all just gathered recently and haphazardly.

If I was thinking, I would have better prepared myself for the responses I received on the post. People started picking specific things to use to attack IC. I will not go into details about the arguments; all you have to do is do a Google search about IC criticisms and you will find them all. As much as I want to address them and defend IC, I will resist. I think there is a greater issue to address.

I started responding to these posts very strongly. In fact, one of the people commenting called me out (and rightly so), saying, "I have to ask: Why ask people what they think if you're just going to attack the ones that disagree with you?" Ouch. He was right. I was attacking them as they were attacking IC. I began to ask myself, Why am I getting so defensive? I did some introspection and here is what I found:

I wasn't defending IC, I was defending an idea IC represented. After watching the video, I had to admit that I wasn't really fond of it. I didn't like that they omitted a lot of the Ugandan people's suffering. I don't like how they are making Kony famous. I don't like that you can purchase items with Kony's name on it; to me, you should be emphasizing the situation, not the person. To bring Kony into the spotlight is a disservice to those who have suffered at his hands. Yes, we should be made aware of what is happening with Kony, but we should go about it in a different way. I understand what they are trying to do, but if I were in their shoes, I would have taken a different route.

Although I am not thrilled with the method of their new message, I still support IC. But I am not defending IC when I was attacking people. If I were to be totally honest with myself, I would have to say that, yes, I am defending them...in a way. Despite my bias for IC, what they stand for is something greater than just defending Ugandan children.

Invisible Children stands for the ideals in all of us. These three men went over to Africa and saw a problem and wanted to fix it. Granted, they may have only seen part of the problem, but they saw a problem. What is different about them than it is in most every else: they did something about it. Yes, the way they are going about it isn't perfect, but they are at least putting feet to their words.They came back to the states and got organized. They put their dream into action. They did what they wanted and they didn't let anyone stop them.

Here in America, we are so thrilled about killing dreams.

"Mommy, when I grow up one day, I want to be a movie star!"
"Well, Sarah, being a movie star is really hard to do... maybe you should be a teacher, they always need teachers."

"Hey Adam, I have been really thinking about this, and I think I want to be a professional bow hunter." "Caleb, that sounds nice, but do you realize how unrealistic that is? I mean, how many people who bow hunt actually make it to the professional level? I know you're good, but let's get real here..."

"I have a dream to see Kony arrested and put on trial for the crimes he has committed."
"Do you realize how ridiculous that is? Do you realized that you are helping another terrorist organization in order to get to him? Do you realize how difficult it will be to catch him? Kony isn't even a threat anymore!"

Why do we kill dreams?

The internet has become a hotbed for people throwing out whatever they want to say without regard for the implications it has on the other. We can say some of the most cruel and hateful things about someone and, because we are American and we have the right to freedom of speech, that makes it okay. We criticize and we criticize and we criticize everything! As soon as we press the enter key, we click off the page and don't think about what we have just done; we go back to the world of "us" and don't give it a second thought. We pick at movies, songs, and people on The Voice who's vocal talent isn't quite up to par. (Granted, there are some people who legitimately cannot sing, but the majority of people on these shows can be good with some vocal training.) We talk about them as if they are objects.

I am reminded of the video of Jonah almost a year ago. (If you haven't seen the video, I encourage you to follow the link and watch it.) When I first saw it, I was horrified. I literally cried because I felt this kids pain. A few days later, after the video went viral, people started to question the authenticity of the video. People would troll Jonah and leave very hateful comments, telling him to come out and be real about what's going on in very graphic and vulgar ways. They were saying his feelings were all a hoax and that he was just some kid desperately wanting attention. In the process of talking about bullying and how people pick on him, EVEN MORE people started to hate on him! REALLY!? How low can we go that we harass a middle school kid who is reaching out for help?

Even if the video is fake (and you can decide for yourself after watching the interview here) and he was just some kid seeking out attention, there are hundreds of people out there in the same boat. Why do we attack them?! Why do we belittle their expereince!? Those feelings are real to him, whether they are deserved or not. Those scars are real on his arms. And people just attacked him because they saw inconsistencies in his behavior just like people find inconsistencies in other organizations that are trying to help.

Why do we belittle the things that do matter?

Some people seek social justice and we criticize them for not doing it well enough. At least the guys at IC are doing something. Most people who criticize others on the internet sit back in their comfortable computer chairs and drink their expensive coffees after writing a post critiquing a certain viewpoint and smile, not even thinking about a world outside of their own. They were just so thrilled to prove someone wrong and point out all the flaws in their plan.

These people don't do anything themselves.

Most of the critics don't contribute to a charity, they don't volunteer, they don't really stand for anything. They just critique all of the other people who do and find something wrong with  them. Well, to be honest, organizations are made of humans. Humans aren't perfect. Therefore, the organization won't be perfect; all of them will have mistakes. If we are waiting for the perfect organization to show up, it never will.

Why has publicly criticizing things become so common in America? It has almost become cool and hip to point out all the flaws of whatever is trending. We want the Truth to shine. We want transparency, then we expect them to be perfect when they are transparent. We expect it in presidential candidates, we expect it in Hollywood stars, and pretty much everyone who is in the limelight. We tend to forget they are human too with flaws, histories, and hang-ups. When something happens with a Hollywood star, we immediately start to gossip about what is going on. We laugh at the Kardashians shortest wedding, when in reality that situation is so sad. We start to joke and trend funny topics on Twitter about the plight of Jason Russell a few days after the Kony video came out. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, the article is here.) Why do we find pleasure at the misfortune of others? That's really depressing to me.

I am guilty of this too; I am not exempt. I found myself criticizing organizations and making fun of them too. But that is wrong! It is low! We exemplify ourselves as perfect in our minds and diminish others as if they can never compare to us. We shouldn't be attacking organizations that are attempting to make the world a better place. We should be supporting them and encouraging them to do better. We should stand beside them and pick them up when they fall, not kick them while they are down and shout, "I told you so!"

I know, I know, as a skeptic myself, we do need to question everything to be smart in where we invest our money; we need to be good stewards of the money entrusted to us. We need to make sure the people are spending the money wisely. Instead of attacking them on the areas where they fail, we can encourage them and guide them on the right path. We need to hold them accountable, but still support and encourage them, not rip their dreams out from under them and leave them falling to their death. We should be pointing out the positive alongside the negative.

I think the problem arises when we don't do enough research or don't think enough about the situation. The problem of not doing the research happens on both sides. As the RELEVANT article describes, the danger is ignorance on both sides. On the one hand, people can blindly support an organization and almost worship it. Worshiping an organization without doing the research is stupid in my mind. What's to say someone in the organization won't take all their money? We should be responsible and careful with where we invest our money and do the research wisely before giving an organization anything.

On the other hand, we need to be careful not to criticize an organization so that they lose all support. The image I always get when we're done criticizing a person or an organization is a crying child in the fetal position on the floor as we turn our backs and walk away with a smirk on our face knowing we were right. Yet, most of the criticism are not well founded but have been reduced to simplistic arguments and blown out of proportion. The problem is, most critics find one flaw and exemplify it or they take an idea and reduce it to absurdity by comparing it to something more ridiculous. Their counterarguments are just as ignorant as the people who blindly follow the organization without doing research into the organization.

From what I have found with people who propose the counter-arguments of IC is that they simply don't believe IC and what they say--but they will believe another article online that counters IC without doing the research into where the person who wrote the article got the information--whether or not it is valid, or whether or not it is true. They jump on the counter-bandwagon just as readily as people jump on the trending bandwagons.

All I am trying say through all of this is to not jump to conclusions. I have known IC for a few years now, and I have done my research in supporting them. I would recommend everyone do the same. Do your research and come to your own conclusion. Rather than criticize it after watching one video and reading maybe a  half-dozen articles criticizing it, try to look at both sides of the argument and try to remove your biases for a bit to see something from another perspective as I am trying to do. IC is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but of all the African support organizations out there (and trust me, there are hundreds of them), this one actually is making progress and change--not just giving handouts of shoes, bug-nets, or condoms; these people in IC are actually helping the people become independent not dependent on American goodies.

I understand this organization is not for everyone. Some people would rather support another organization. I am totally, 100% for that! Go, support them! Someone commented on my article and said there were worse problems in Africa than the Kony problem. I would agree. They talked about the water issue in Africa. I totally support groups that drill more wells. Go for it! Samaritan's Purse is one such organization I support that does just that. Go support them; put actions to your words. Don't just take a passive seat and point fingers at every organization and not get involved yourself. Don't be passive and point fingers at others where they were wrong. Don't belittle an organization when they are actually trying to make the world a better place. It is easy to be the grumpy old man on the couch griping about how much life sucks and how so-and-so is so stupid and everything is stupid and how everything on TV is stupid, etc. It is hard to actually get involved in something and see a world outside of yourself. Your paradigms tend to change once you are actually out in the situation and not looking at it from a distance.

Don't be passive. Make a difference. Be the change you want to see in the world. (to quote Ghandi)

Following His Call,
Adam
1 Corinthians 13:13

Scrooge

Hey everyone!

Alright, I have to admit, I feel like a Scrooge today. I am probably going to get stoned by people after they read this post, but I feel it is something I need to share. You can feel free to disagree, write me off, or comment a thoughtful (and non-aggressive) comment on the bottom describing your view, but I have thought about this a lot and I have come to this conclusion:


I don't understand the point of Valentines Day. To me, the holiday is pointless.

Let's take Christmas for example. Why do we celebrate Christmas? Well, because (in my opinion, and most will agree with me) that was the time that Jesus came down to earth, and we rejoice that the Son of Man was born. We are so grateful that God humbled Himself and took human form to live among men.

Easter is similar: we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus from the dead. We remember his sacrifice on our behalf on the cross and lament for our sins, but then rejoice that Jesus has conquered death and has set us free! That is a  reason to celebrate!

Even days like Memorial Day, we honor those soldiers who have died. Martin Luther King Day, we honor one of the greatest leaders in our nation. But on Valentines Day...... What? We remember.... love?

I get the intent: this is one day a year you are to make your significant other feel important--like they mean the world to you and to show the world how much they mean to you. It is a time to celebrate each other and remember the love you first had long ago. It is a time to re-kindle that love and show each other the full extent of how much you mean to each other. Shoot, sometimes it is an excuse to get out of the house and go on a date! (Especially if you have kids and cannot get out as much!)

I have some problems with this.

Why do we need to re-kindle love? Did it die? 
I understand love starts to loose it's luster over time. Being in a romantic relationship myself, I have not arrived to that point just yet because our relationship is still young--but I have talked to several married couples that say, "Some days you look at your spouse... and you don't feel anything. Those butterflies in your stomach aren't there anymore."

Gary Chapman describes this phenomenon in his book The Five Love Languages. He says at that point, we need to start speaking each other's love languages. I have already wrote on this before (hence the hyperlinks), but to briefly reiterate: we should be speaking each other's love languages all the time. That way, the love experience isn't a decline that needs a jump-start once a year, but an on going roller-coaster with peaks and falls and excitement the entire time.

Some would say that Valentine's Day is just one of those peaks. I wouldn't disagree. I say that is totally fine. That is how I am using this day. However, I am not making February 14 more important than any other day.

Why don't we celebrate our love twice a year rather than once? Why not four times a year? Why not monthly?
This idea reflects off what I stated just a few sentences ago. We should be having "Valentine's Days" once a month with our spouses. I know that kids get in the way. I know jobs are hectic and volunteering for things only adds more time. I know that Clayton is involved in soccer and Ruth is in ballet and they take up all your free time. Still, I think it is feasible to find at least a few hours a month to devote to each other.

I know, I know: I am not married yet, and I cannot possibly imagine how busy and stressed everyone is. But I have always lived by this philosophy: "You make time for what you love most." I plan on making time for my wife. And it that means that I have to give up playing StarCraft once in a while, then I am all for it. If I have to give up sleep because that is the only time we can talk, then I plan on doing it. I am making this commitment now so when I get married, I can live up to it. (And I'm asking you all to hold me to this.)

I have heard that if you don't make time for each other, then your marriage will start to be strained. Your marriage should even be placed before your children. Some would disagree. This is not my opinion, these are the opinions of wiser people than I will ever be telling me this advice. I am going to listen to them.

Does the gift mean less knowing it is expected rather than spontaneous? 
Be honest with me, what means more to you: when your husband comes home with a dozen roses randomly and says, "I just wanted to surprise you and tell you I love you," or when he comes on on Valentines Day and hands you roses, knowing he got them on sale and says, "Happy Valentines Day!"? Guys, what if your woman was like, "I made your favorite meal and favorite desert and we are going to watch whatever movie you want tonight, just the two of us," instead of, "It's Valentines Day! We are having your favorite meal!" (implying it is the same meal as last year)? I know, when I put it that way, it's a easy choice and I totally am belittling the holiday. But I am trying to make a point. To me, a gift given out of obligation--or even sometimes to one-up the Jones--means way less than a gift given out of spontaneous love.

Some would disagree with this, and in fact, research shows that anticipation for something is much more powerful than surprises. Surprises tend to offset people, because you can never predict the emotions going on in their head the moment before they are surprised. But if you wait... then they know it is coming and are anticipating the moment until it finally happens. I am not arguing with research. In fact, I plan on using anticipation more than surprise.

Still, knowing that everyone else is doing the same thing or similar things on that day--knowing that people are making a profit off of my romance--belittles the experience for me. I would rather show my girlfriend how much she means to me when the flowers aren't "On sale for 50% off!" or "Buy one get your second one free!" I would rather give her what she wants rather than a box of chocolates where she won't even eat half of them because they are disgusting. I would rather buy her some candy she will love and eat.

I propose having a dinner for your significant other once a month and letting them know a week in advance: "Honey, next Friday is our date night. I'm going to take you out to your favorite place and then we're going to see the new movie you wanted to see." That way, it gives them anticipation, but it isn't expected all the time, like Valentine's Day is every year. Plus, you are not doing the same thing everyone else in America is doing. To me, that makes the night even more special.

Doing what's expected
I think so many times people just do what is expected of them: "Today is the 'Love Day,' so I guess I should buy my woman a teddy bear..." Where is the romance in doing what is expected?

When you are feeling bad and you tell someone about it, most of the time if you tell them you expect them to comfort you. Normally, the comfort feels pretty good. When they don't you feel worse. Sometimes Valentine's Day just causes problems because people are expected to do something and it doesn't happen.

In the same way, when someone is in a relationship, you don't tend to settle on what is just expected. You do more. If we did what was only expected, then nobody would move past friends. In my view, romantic relationships is when you go above and beyond the expected. On Valentine's Day, it's hard to beat the "expected" because some people go way out of their way. So...pretty much anything you do is expected.

Alright, I have to insert a Jesus Juke here, because it fits so well (plus, I'm gonna be a pastor, we find sermon illustrations in pretty much anything). Are you only doing what is expected for God? How much do you love God? Do you love Him enough to go above and beyond the standard and show Him the true extent of how much you love Him? He did for you; He showed you so much love that He was not only your defendant on a punishment you deserved, but He took your place, took the punishment for you, and then set you free to live a wonderful, abundant life. Are you just doing what is expected for Him? Remember, you are His bride; are you being a good "wife"? Are you treating Jesus with the same love you are treating your spouse?

Jesus Juke over, back to the main post.

Everything I have posted about above are the reasons why I don't like Valentines Day. I see on my Newsfeed statuses, videos, and pictures all telling each other how much they love each other. Why not do that in person? Why post all your romance online for all to see? Romance is private to me, I don't want to see you making out with your your significant other on my Newsfeed. Gross....

That's not saying all posts are bad. I don't mind the, "I've been married to the love of my life for 14 wonderful years now! She is the woman of my dreams!" or the occasional picture with the caption: "Look at what my boyfriend got me for Valentine's Day! I have the best man ever!" I don't mind those statuses, but I would like to see those more often than once a year. I want to see those in the middle of July when there is no romantic holiday.

But then again, I'm just a Scrooge.

Following His Call,
Adam
1 Corinthians 13:4

Dying

DISCLAIMER: EMOTIONAL POST
(meaning that I am writing this while very emotional and I am not sure what will come out)

Hey everyone!

So, I am sitting here on my bed, on the verge of tears, wishing I could cry, but I cannot because there are other people present in the room and for some stupid reason my male ego says I have to be the tough guy. It's not like a whole group of people are here, just me and my roommates, but still, I feel the need to uphold my aura of strength. Truth is, I am dying inside.

I don't mean to sound so dramatic, but I am going to speak to you how I feel. So many people think that I am this immovable rock, this solid person who doesn't experience emotions; like I'm some Brick people can kick around. But I do have a heart; I do care. In fact, it is my heart for other people that leads me to my current emotional dilemma.

I am grieving inside over some friends of mine who are making decisions that are ruining their life. I won't go into detail because of privacy, but basically, they are becoming adults and making their own decisions, and those decisions are leading them down a path that leads to even more pain and ruin. (When I say these things they are doing are bad, you are going to have to trust me. I'm not talking about something trivial like they decided to watch R-rated movies or leaving cherry bombs in someone's mailbox: I'm talking about decisions that affect people's psyche--not to mention some decisions are illegal.)

I lie here in bed, typing on my computer, weak, wanting to cry, but holding it back. These are people I have grown attached to; people I have shared my life with and trusted. I have a strong emotional bond with these people, and to see them ruining their lives kills me. The decisions they make they do selfishly, doing only what they want to do and living totally for themselves, a concept that is foreign to me. I want to understand, but I just cannot. And my heart bleeds for them.

I feel like a parent, watching their kids make mistakes and not being able to do anything about it. I love these guys more than I love anyone else and to watch them fall is devastating.

The image that burns in my head right now is that I am on a mountain...

Snow is all round, knee deep, and the wind is blowing the snow in every direction to where I can hardly see. I look down and see someone down there on the edge, clinging for dear life. So I yell down to them, throw them a rope and tell them to hold on tight. They grab the rope, and slowly start to pull themselves up. As I look, I can see tears in their face as they struggle. I pull the rope as hard as I can without pulling myself off the ledge.

As they climb higher, I hear them say, "It's too hard! I can't make it!"

"Yes you can!" I yell back. "Just keep holding on."

A large gust of wind blows them and they look down, shielding their face from the onslaught. I never let go of the rope, and I keep pulling up. But they have stopped. As I shout more encouragement to them, I see them look up, a look of total defeat in their eyes, and I hear them say...

"I can't do it..."

... and I watch them let of the rope and plummet to their death.

This is how I feel. This is why I sit here in tears wanting to punch the concrete wall next to me. I am watching my friends plummet to their death and there is nothing I can do about it.

Yet, the scenario is not accurate enough. I still talk to them and have to see their pain. I have to see them every time after they made their choice and watch them live in their consequences. I have to watch them walking around in their death while I try to pull them out of it.

Many times I feel like giving up. Many times I ask myself why I bother with these people; why do I continue to put so much effort into a relationship when I cannot make them change?

Then I am reminded of the One who never gave up on me....

It is His love that brings me through this. He never gave up on me, so I will never give up on them. It will be hard, watching your friends die each day, but I figured if God can do it, I can do it.

And I know I will be alright because I have the Holy Spirit inside of me and it is His strength that drives me on, not my own. I know I will be okay because someone has already believed enough in me to die for me.

Following His Call,
Adam
John 11:35

Invisible

Hey everyone!

As I sit here composing this blog, the question is ringing in my mind: "Should I use my new found powers of invisibility for good or for evil?"

Let me back up and explain: Right now, there are four people standing in my doorway discussing what they want to do for fun tonight. As they talk about random games and potential movies to watch, I try to throw in my opinions as to what to do. However, my words fall on deaf ears. My comments are ignored as easily as if I had never said them. Pretty soon, one of my friends say suggests they should play Scribblish, to which my other friend replies, "Can we play Scribblish with only four people?"

It was at this point in the conversation that I realized I was totally invisible to those in the room. I mean, it wasn't like it was loud or everyone was talking at once; they could hear what I said, they simply choose not to acknowledge me.

So that left me with a thought: "What would I do if I was invisible?"

I know I seem cavalier about this whole thing, especially with people being so rude (and I'm pretty sure everyone would agree making plans about your evening and not inviting the person who is standing right there next to you is pretty rude, but to ignore someone's existence deliberately? ... that seems rather harsh to me), but  this has happened to me before. I have gotten used to being ignored and invisible.

A few years ago my laptop crashed. And by "crashed," I mean the hard drive literally burned up and I could not even use it anymore. I lost all my papers, all my hard work I had done all semester. That week was a living hell for me. I had two 15 page papers due by Friday (it was a Sunday that my hard drive crashed) and an 8 page paper due that next day. All my work: gone.

I pulled an all-nighter and got the first paper done. When I got back from delivering the presentation, I took a two hour nap, then worked on my other papers. After sleeping an average of two hours each night, I finally got the 30 pages written for the two papers.

But in the middle of this week from hell, I walked into a room of people (I believe there were five people in the room) and asked if I could borrow someone's laptop to finish my paper on because all the campus computers were taken (and they honestly were!). The room was silent. Everyone was just about to watch a movie and they were quiet as one person worked the DVD player. Everyone heard me, I am sure, but not one eye looked up at me to even acknowledge my existence.

Appalled, I just stood there a few seconds before saying slowly, "Oooookay...." Eventually, I looked at the guy closest to me (a guy who I had recently given a free laptop to because he had done a bunch of stuff for me and I had an extra laptop--a decision to this day I regret) and said, "Ryan (pseudonym), could I borrow one of your laptops?"

He blankly replied to me, "Sorry Adam, I'm using them," and turned back to the TV.

I looked at his desk. Both of his laptops lay closed on his desk. One of them was the one I had given him for free. The lights on the bottom of the laptops remained unblinking, indicating they were shut down, not hibernating or sleeping.

My jaw dropped. Rage filled my heart. I stormed out of there, afraid I would hurt someone.

As I calmed down, I really started to think about life and it's meaning. Am I really that unlikable that people would totally ignore me then flat out lie to me to my face? Do people really hate me that much? What did I do to make them not trust me? I am very good with other people's property--shoot! I fix laptops, not break them! Why does nobody trust me? Why did nobody even look at me? What did I do or say to make them hate me so much? Do they hate me? Were they all having just a bad day? ...at the same time? 


These thoughts have wandered through my head often. Even right now, they wander through my head. Thoughts of worthlessness, loneliness, rejection, self-pity, self-loathing, hatred, jealousy. I question my own value, my purpose, my friendship.

But then I realize that I am actually worth something. I am reminded that I am loved and that I am cared for. Even if the world hates me; even if people never want to speak to me again, Jesus loves me. He knows me for who I really am. He knows my faults and still loves me anyways. He accepts me even when everyone else in the world leaves me hanging out to dry.

Thank you, Jesus. I love you so much.

It's these Truths that make me so cavalier about being totally ignored. It is the love of God that allows me to lightheartedly ask, "Should I use my powers of invisibility for good or for evil?" when faced with rejection. It is God who receives all the glory in all this, not me. I get nothing by being rejected, but by His power, I can face anything.

I have learned that when you know who you are in Christ, nothing in life can phase you.

Following His Call,
Adam
Philippians 3:10-11

Brick

Hey everyone!

I am not sure what to title this blogpost. Normally I have a general concept that I work from then expound, but this time it's something... different. This is very personal. And I am beginning to see how this blog (currently EDGE-X) is going to be reformatted into a new type of blog and I will soon create two more blogs. These ideas are still swimming around in my mind, so I will address them later in a later post. 

For now, let's talk about what's going on in my brain. 

I know it's been a long time, but I have been really busy. I am going to try to get more done this year, but the blog will soon be reformatted, that's why I've been hesitant to post anything, because I didn't know what I would be doing with my blog. 

Yet, I regress once more... What's really on my mind is people's perception of me. I normally don't like talking about myself, but I seriously believe that people don't understand me. 

It came to my attention first at dinner the other day. One of my friends (Kari, pseudonym) forgot to text another one of my friends (Wade, pseudonym) a dinner invite. Kari felt so bad, she apologized profusely to Wade, who laughed and continued to tease Kari for her forgetfulness. After repetitive apologies from Kari, I leaned over and said, "You should take it. Kari never apologizes like this to anyone. She has never even apologized to me. Ever." We all laughed and Wade accepted the apology while Kari said (paraphrased), "Well, that because Wade is like a teddy bear, and you, Adam, are like a brick we can kick around." We all had a good laugh, but the implications of that innocent statement got to me.

Am I a brick? (There you go! I have the title now!)

I think many people just don't understand me. They see me as the "big tough guy" (or the "small tough guy"... but whatever), the "strong man," the "armadillo" (okay, so nobody has ever called me that). But seriously, people think I'm this big mass of stubborn will and boldness and that they can toss whatever they want to my direction and nothing will stick like BBs off a tin roof. 

What most people don't realize is that I really do have feelings. I have emotions, I care about people, and I legitimately want to help people and make the world a better place. I cry at night for those who are hurting. I  mourn for those people who are close to me who are doing harmful things to themselves and their future. My heart breaks for the youth of this world, and the hurt they go through. 

I don't put on a strong exterior to cover it up. I explain my heart to anyone who asks. I'm not afraid to sit down and open my heart to people and express how I feel. I try to make the world a better place. I try to encourage everyone I can. I try to ask how their day is, how their Christmas break was--I legitimately care about people. 

My strong, forceful nature is just my natural personality combined with my upbringing. But most people see it as, "Adam's a tough guy, he can take it!" When in reality, it still hurts. Over the years, I have developed this, "tough guy" attitude to keep myself safe--so nobody would notice when they hurt me. I have developed a very thick skin so I can take most any criticism.

But the criticisms still hurt....

Recently, my friends have said I was "too wrapped up in your own emotions and pride;" that I was selfish and arrogant, and thought only of what I wanted and what made me happy. That hurt me more than I would like to admit. My "friends" obviously didn't know me... or at least the full me. 

I think one of the major problems in life is that nobody bothers to look at the world through anyone else's eyes. We get so caught up in viewing the world from our spectacles that we start to criticize others when their views don't line up with ours. I try my best not to accuse anyone; I try my best to try to see the world from their perspective.

Yet nobody seems to do it for me....

Nobody tries to get to know me....

I know "nobody" is rather absolute and dramatic, but rarely do people actually take the time and invite me to lunch just to talk. Rarely to people stop by my room to just hang out with no other agenda. 

I start to wonder if I am just that unlikable....

But then I realize my worth. I realize God sees me more than a brick. It doesn't matter how other's view me. It doesn't matter if other people like me or want to get to know me. It doesn't matter if they understand me or try to see the world through my eyes. 

Jesus already knows me and understands me. 

Following His Call,
Adam

Psalm 139:19